Spread Your Wings and Fly

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Frustration and sadness

I can’t begin to express my adoption frustrations. I’m so sorry I even began telling people about this process and my plans. The questions (although well meaning) are so hard to deal with and just bring me back to frustration. This is my chance to have a child, and I just see it slipping away. The beauracracy and messed up government policies are putting up impossible road blocks and timelines that I can’t get around. I don’t know what to do except keep doing what I can, work on all the paperwork and hope. Hope everything will work out; I’ll get a referral, find the money, the paperwork will move quickly, our governments will get along.
The worst part of this situation is that the “process” is the better problem to deal with. What I’m having the worst time with is my feelings about motherhood and children. I’m ready and so want to be a mother, have a child and a family. I know it’s what I want, but it just doesn’t seem to be in my future. It breaks my heart everyday and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m having a really difficult time around my pregnant friends and/or their kids. It just makes me so sad (and sometimes I can’t even talk about it, see it, or be there) motherhood so very far away from me and I just can’t get there. This really is my nightmare and one of my deepest fears. I know, it sounds silly, petty, or immature but it’s true. I don’t know what will be next if I can’t have any children.

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Posted by J.J. :: 8:24 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

How and how?

"How? How do you handle it? What’s it like with him being gone so long? I couldn’t handle it with my husband gone!" People ask me many questions when they find out TS has deployed. Most of the time I don’t mind answering and people are generally supportive. It only really bothers me when they question the dedication of our soldiers or are generally unsupportive (of them).
How do I handle it?
It’s pretty simple; I just get through each day. After each day, soon it’s been a week, and then it’s a month. It’s all I can do and it works the best for me. Don’t get me wrong, I miss him desperately. I look at his pictures, email and write him, think about our conversations and memories, I’m still sleeping with his t-shirt, and just miss him so much. There are good days and some bad days too. I want to speak to him when I have both. I’m also very lucky and am able to speak to him on a regular basis. It helps.
This morning I looked at my calendar and all the days to fill until he comes home again. It’s still 200 plus but after today it will be one less. I’m keeping myself busy with what to do for his Christmas and when I need to send it all. The time will go quickly (I hope) and everyday brings him one step closer.

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Posted by J.J. :: 6:18 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Sadness

He was here for about three weeks and left this morning. I was very sad and keep my emotions together for him. The moon was full in the sky, with the weather cold and crisp. It was very surreal standing in the darkness and watching him drive away. I know he'll be safe and back home soon, but it never gets any easier.

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Posted by J.J. :: 11:18 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hero



Posted by J.J. :: 9:42 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

I own a crib


I bought her crib today.
That’s a very big step towards reality. I’ve been taking baby steps (hahaha) to this and other preparations but this one was pretty major. It’s really difficult getting everything ready and keeping myself guarded (and prepared) for whatever comes my way. The situation with adoption (especially international adoption) is so long and so time intensive, I wanted to be careful. I know she’s going to get here but seeing all the baby stuff can be so emotionally difficult. For the longest time I didn’t do anything, except wait. I didn’t by any clothing, supplies, get the nursery ready, nothing. I just couldn’t look at it everyday, it would be too hard. I’m getting past all that and today I bought her crib. She’s start her life with me in this crib. I know she won’t have any memories of it, but I will and I couldn’t be happier.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:35 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Packages

TS is in Iraq. He'll be there for quite a bit longer. It's hard (for him, of course) and I miss him everyday. I'm lucky, he's able to call relatively often and is in a safe place (as safe as can be). All of this makes it easier (for me) but I still know (and never forget) he's in a war zone and working really hard.
I send him packages almost every week. I love doing it and it helps me feel closer to him. When I buy things I'm always thinking about him. It's often silly things or snacks I know he'll like, crackers, gum, DVDs, drink mix, etc. I'm happy to think of the smile on his face when he opens the box and sees what I've picked. I always write a note in a card in the box too. I want him to be happy and make his life easier. There's always extra stuff in there too for the guys he works with, they all need all help.
I just sent a box today and it should be there next week. This weekend I'll start picking new items for the next package. I'll keep this process going until he comes ago.

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Posted by J.J. :: 7:03 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Mini break


I'm back from a great weekend in Ocean City, Maryland. It was warm, sunny and relaxing. I didn't do anything really other than sit in the sun and have several beverages. It was really great to get away from everyday life. I missed him (and wanted him there) but I took many photos, so he could see what it's all about.

Everything is going well on the adoption side, as well. There isn't any news to report and I'm patiently waiting. There's still quite a bit for me to do with her room and I've set the 4th of July is my goal date for completion. I'm going to paint next weekend.

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Posted by J.J. :: 9:10 PM :: 0 Comments:

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