Spread Your Wings and Fly

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Cold Water

Death, Sickness and Loss do stange things to people. Please, say what you have to say to people while they are alive don't wait until they are gone. My father use to say funerals are for the living. It's to comfort those left behind. The person your looking for is gone and moved to a better place. The body is just a shell.
I really hope so.



Cold Water by Damien Rice

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?[chanting]

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Posted by J.J. :: 2:10 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Time

It's just a matter of time. Things have gone from bad to worse, and yesterday was the worst I've even seen. There is nothing I can do about it either. I'm just trying to be as much of a comfort as I can.
She isn't speaking about the future either. I mentioned next week to her, and she just repled "We'll see".

Posted by J.J. :: 9:27 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Thursday, July 28, 2005




This just makes me laugh!

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August 6, 1997

I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday.
I know exactly what I was wearing, even the shoes I had on (after this day I never wore them again, I threw them out). Isn’t it funny how those memories stay with you? I was at work and in my boss’s office. My mom called at about 10:30am and said my father had a heart attack. It really took my by surprise because my father didn’t have any heart problems. He was an alcoholic though, so I don’t know why I was surprised. My mother told me to come home right away. I kept asking her what happened and shouldn’t we go to the hospital. She just kept telling me no, and I needed to come home. This didn’t seem odd to me, I just figured my mother wanted me to come pick her up and then go to the hospital.
I think I was half way home when it hit me, I guess I just didn’t think about it. He was dead. My father had died and my mother didn’t want to tell me over the phone. I cried the rest of the way home. I prayed and asked god for him to be ok. Promising to be a better person, that I would go to church regularly, be nicer to my mother….really anything just to find him alive. None of it worked though I still got home and found the worst.
My father died in his sleep Wednesday, August 6, 1997. It was sometime in the morning, we think between 7am and 10:30 am. I don’t know why he died. There was an autopsy, but my mother never told me the cause of death. I have my thoughts but I’ll never really know. He was just gone and I never saw him again. There wasn’t a funeral, memorial or a burial. He was cremated and that was it. It was what my mother wanted. He just disappeared from our lives.

Posted by J.J. :: 11:36 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A Good Day

Today is a good day.
My mother started her new chemo today. That is very good news, there was some question about if she would go or not. Plus she seems to have a new attitude. I'm not sure what has caused this or why, but I'm glad to hear it. She's going to listen to her doctor's, eat what she's suppose to, and most important she is going to take her medicine. I talked to her this afternoon and she had been to the drug store and got all her meds. We discussed them and what she needed to do. This chemo is different. In the past she went everyday for a week and then had a week off. This time she goes 1 day a week without a week off, but she's taking pills in addition to the IV chemo. I'm interested to see how she reacts to this and the difference with her actually taking the medicine to help. I really don't want her to get sick and dehydrated again. It's such an easy thing to fix, but she just doesn't take care of herself.
She says, "I'm turning over a new leaf".

Today is a good day.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:38 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, July 24, 2005



The last few days have been such a mix of emotions. It's been so bad but I try so very hard to keep positive and happy. It's not really for me but for her. That's really my father's influence, and the way I've always dealt with her. She has always been a negative personality. The glass is always half empty and the worst is always going to happen. I try to counter that and be positive if not happy. I guess it can be pretty annoying. All I can do right now is try and be hopeful (I know it's not realistic and I should be preparing for the end). Yesterday was the MRI. The bad news is coming I can just sense it, and it's going to be the worst. The cancer is going to be bigger and growing in her liver (despite the mention of transplant....I can't even deal with that) and it's going to be spreading deeper in her stomach. She knows the time frame but isn't telling us. My brother can't even stay at the table and discuss this, he just walks away. Sometimes I feel so alone and just want to scream! I have to stop crying now.

Posted by J.J. :: 12:21 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, July 23, 2005



Liver Cancer Survival Rates
Only a small number of liver cancers are found in the early stages and can be removed by surgery. Fewer than 30% of patients having surgery are able to have their cancer completely removed. The overall 5-year relative survival rate from liver cancer is about 7%. The 5-year relative survival rate is the percentage of patients who are still alive at least 5 years after the cancer is found. Those who die of other causes are not counted. Of course, patients might live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:54 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005



She spends her days inside now. I don’t think she’s been out of the house in 5 days. What kind of life is this? I ask her to go with me places and she shakes her head and says no. Her stomach hurt and she’s too tired. It’s really just so sad. When I make her (force her) to go someplace with me, she likes it and has a good time. Is she scared to go out by herself? Is she worried about getting sick in public? When she was going to the doctors a few weeks ago she had to pull over to the side of the road and throw-up.What worries me the most is that she just doesn’t ask for help. There have been days she’s told me she was too sick to get out of bed. There were prescriptions she needed at the pharmacy and she was too sick to get them. She was also too stubborn to ask for help. The change in her health is very drastic from a year ago. I just feel so helpless now.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005



Her cancer marker today is at 545. This is the history and progression of the sickness.
December 2003 150
March 2004 200
July 2004 60
September 2004 14
July 13, 2005 545
It’s obvious to all of us the cancer she has is getting worse. It has progressed to her stomach and she is against having surgery again. The last 3 times have just been too much. I’m not quite sure what the next step will be. She is scheduled to start chemo the week of July 25th. There is a little concern that her port for the chemo has closed and she’ll have to get a new one. I’m not sure she’ll even go.
I said to her today, “What are you options?”
She wouldn’t answer that but just replied “What did it do for me last time?”
“You’re still alive” I told her. She didn’t respond to me and I just wanted to cry. The worst thing for me is there is nothing I can do to help. She won’t let me be there or even help her. I’d offer her anything (and I do) to make her happier but it just doesn’t work and she doesn’t want it. I’m very aware of the 5 year survival rate for Stage IV cancer. It’s not very optimistic and she’s starting her 4th year now.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:37 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, July 08, 2005



The sadness I feel is just overwhelming.Every time I talk to her I feel her moving further and further away. She’s going to a place I can’t go, and it breaks my heart. On her good days I can pretend she isn’t sick. Her bad days she almost doesn’t know who I am. Today is a bad day. Bad days are becoming more and more common. The knowledge we all take for granted is just lost.
“Why are you here so early”, she asked me today.
I smiled “It’s 12:30, so not so early”
The look on her face and tone of voice was pure confusion. The time, day and history she knows have just left her. Tomorrow she won’t even remember talking to me. It’s a nasty combination of the chemo, drugs and fatigue.
“Didn’t you go out to lunch, you’re back too early?” She asks in almost an accusing way.
It’s all I can do to keep smiling and rubbing her hand in mine.
“No Mom, I don’t go out to lunch. I came here from work”.I talk to her about anything and everything but none of it matters really. The questions she asks me just make me cry inside. I know it’s just the drugs talking but she believes them to be true.
“There were men walking around outside last night, they were fighting by my window”
“People were having a party in the room next to me”
“Go look and see who’s in that room”
I try to tell her she needs to listen to the doctor and at least try. She wants to go home. Nothing else matters until she goes home. I’m not even sure she hears what I’m telling her. I’m just trying to comfort her and help her feel better. My only hope is to keep her from being scared. There's no one to do the same for me.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:38 PM :: 0 Comments:

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