Spread Your Wings and Fly

Sunday, August 28, 2005

10 Random things about me

1. Shoes! I love shoes! Flip flops are my favorite right now, but in the winter it might be boots.
2. My right eyebrow is white blonde and my left isn’t
3. I get ready in the exact same order every morning.
4. When I eat, I touch my tongue to the tip of the fork or spoon.
5. I was born in Detroit, Michigan.
6. I took swimming lessons when I was 7.
7. My swim coach thought I had potential to be an Olympic swimmer.
8. New Jersey, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, Virginia, Pennsylvania have all been my home.
9. My earliest dream was to be the UCLA Golden Girl; I’m still waiting for my try-out.
10. I’m afraid of falling down stairs.

Posted by J.J. :: 5:16 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, August 26, 2005



My father was a terrible alcoholic. I don't remember a time in my life he didn't drink. There are terrible memories I have of him drinking.....Horrible memories that seem to be from yesterday, yet some were a lifetime ago.
Finding him drunk and passed-out under a tree
Relieving himself in parking lots
Police knocking on the door looking for him
Seeing his car parked at bars
Throwing things at me when he was angry
Abuse against my mother
Watching him stagger up the stairs to our house
and the hours of unexplained absences
He drank all the time and I always knew, I could always tell. It became worse and worse the older he became. The addiction ruled his life and he would do anything to get drunk. The problem always was about money. He couldn’t keep a job because he had to drink everyday. My mother wouldn’t give him money to support his habits, so he would steal anytime he could. My tax refund checks, an uncle’s credit card, bouncing checks were just some of the things he tried over the years. I was ashamed and I hated him.
He died 8 years ago and I……had to………find a way to understand our past and forgive him. I understand now he had a terrible disease. He couldn’t stop and in the last years he had just given up. He never asked for help.
I do forgive him. Now, I just feel sorry and sadness. I forgive him for being so sick. I’m sorry he really never got to know me. He missed most of my life because he was drunk.
Today is his birthday. I miss you Dad.
I love you.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:05 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, August 25, 2005



“I had a donut at breakfast this morning”. I said, not really thinking it was a big deal.
My mother answered quickly, “Aren’t you on a diet?”
“It was a plain donut and it was part of my breakfast.” I replied.
Sarcastically she told me, “Oh that makes it all better because it’s a plain donut”.

I have huge issues with food and eating. There was a time I couldn’t eat in front of people and if I had to I would always throw up later. I’ve been working really hard to over come my problems, but its conversations like this that just make me sick again. She doesn’t really mean to be so negative; at least I don’t think so. When I confront her that I don’t like these comments, she tells me she is just helping and reminding me.
I’m always on a diet when I talk to her. In reality I’ve changed the way I think, live, my relationship with food and how I deal with my feelings. I’m getting so much better and she’ll never see that. She doesn’t understand any of that because she doesn’t understand how terrible her comments make me feel.

I’m not angry with her anymore. I accept this is the way she is and isn’t going to change.

Posted by J.J. :: 5:38 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Cancer

I hate cancer.
Cancer is a terrible disease and I hate what it is doing to my mother. She received 3 pints of blood today. The bleeding has been caused (we think) by the chemo she's taking. Next week the doctors will try to find the "true" cause of the bleeding and decide on a treatment. I don't know what the future will be, but I know she won't have surgery again.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:17 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

For my mother

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Posted by J.J. :: 1:50 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005



I talked to him last night and it went pretty well (as well as could be expected). It was really odd and left me crying at the end of the night. All the old bad feelings just resurfaced and we finally talked about everything that happened. I was really honest about my feelings, both then and now. It took me so long to get over him and what had happened. That relationship changed me so much and put me on another path. He wanted to know what’s been happening in my life and all about me. There is so much I wouldn’t give to him and wouldn’t share. I’m sorry but he doesn’t get to know that part of me anymore.

Posted by J.J. :: 2:28 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

New Day

I've been reading and thinking quite a bit in the last few days. I feel I've been stuck in quicksand and can't move backwards or forwards. I know where I want to be but it seems like I make the wrong decisions. A friend of mine wrote this and it totally describes me (he knows me too well).
"DO YOU REALIZE JUST HOW GOD DAMN BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE... WHEN YOU WANT TO BE? THAT IS WHAT I AM SAYING. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER? WHILE YOU SIT AND STEW WITHIN THE PAST... WHILE LETTING THE FUTURE ESCAPE FROM YOU. YOU... ARE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL... IF ONLY YOU WOULD SEE THAT"
I've saved this for a long time and it still is me perfectly. I'm losing my future by greaving over the past. I need to listen and wake up.


"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Posted by J.J. :: 10:55 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, August 11, 2005



My heart is breaking.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:52 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005



Have you ever felt just so alone?
Filled with a loneliness that just fills you and takes over, it's overwhelming. I sit with people all day and don't connect with anyone. I just ask myself over and over again, how did this happen? How did I get to this point? When did I choose to take this path?

Posted by J.J. :: 8:40 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Setbacks

I had a set back today and it involved some new behavior. I'm still feeling a little "off" from it, but at least I was able to stop. I did the right thing and realized what was happening, I had to go outside to get away, and call my friend. It's been 12 weeks since the last time. I don't want to go back to that place.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:12 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Home and back again

I'm returning to Williamsburg this afternoon. I am going to finish the printers/warranties this week. I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to get it done. Hopefully, I'll have it done by Tuesday. There are some other projects and clients (hehehe) I need to see on Thursday and Friday. It's going to be a busy week. I don't mind being busy, it keeps my mind of serious stuff and from being OCD.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. A little too much Jack Daniels last night, but it was alright. My mother is better than she was last week (it doesn't take much), at least we got her to get out of bed and go outside. We didn't talk about what day it was. We don't talk to much about my father. They had such a complicated and complex relationship and I don't even pretend to understand it. We don't talk about my father often and when we do we only talk about the good stuff. I still don't think she has forgiven him.
I don't know if you are reading this, but if you are hi. No worries that I'd ever talk about you here. Not my style, I respect you too much for that.

Posted by J.J. :: 11:36 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, August 05, 2005

Memories

I'm keeping him in my memory and heart. Tonight I'll remember the good times and forgiving him for all of the bad. Forgiving my father was one of the most difficult things I've very done, and it took me a long time. This anniversary I'm not angry at him.
I love you Dad.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:08 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Roadcasting

Have you even caught someone singing in his or her car? You can see their lips moving and wonder what music they are listening too? It’s happened to me on both sides. I’ve watched people singing and have been caught myself. I sing (very loudly) in the car to lots of difference music from my iPod. I have special playlists just for playing in the car.
I want Roadcasting!
This is a new product (it’s not available yet) that will let you listen and broadcast your own radio station. It is interactive with your own preferences and plays only what you want to hear. If they are Roadcasting you can listen to their personal radio station or you can broadcast your own. There are no commercials and no talking, just your favorite music. Pretty cool and I’d love to have one. It should be available in the next few years.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:27 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Printers and more printers

Hello from Williamsburg, VA.
I’m working on a special project that I should have done in July, but it didn’t quite work that way. Last month, I sold approximately 1000 printers to a customer and I also sold them warranties for service and maintenance. These were shipped from all over the country to a warehouse here in VA. The serial numbers should have been captured in the process of shipping the product, but they were not. Warranties can’t be offered or processed without the serial numbers. You see where this is going don’t you? All my printers shipped without the serial numbers being captured. My customer cannot sell the printers without the warranties. I’m spending the several few days in a warehouse in Virginia recording the serial numbers. Yesterday it was a pretty good day, I’m not sure how many I did but I made a little dent. My plan was to have this finished by the end of the week, but I’m not sure that will happen. I haven’t started yet today because I had to do some of my regular work. I’m enjoying the hotel air conditioning for as long as I can today. The weather forecast is for today is a high of 92, it should be about 112 inside the warehouse.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:16 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, August 01, 2005



The worst thing is I'm not able to be with her. I can't hold her hand, help her not be afraid and just say I love you.

Posted by J.J. :: 3:55 PM :: 0 Comments:

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I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this sick. Maybe 3 years ago before she found about she had cancer? I don’t remember her being quite like this. She won’t get up out of bed, eat or drink. She’s not making any choices for her care or treatment. She is also refusing to go her doctor’s appointment. It’s making the choices that we have to make even more difficult too. How do you force a grown woman to go to the hospital? How do you force her to save her own life? Of course, You can’t. What I’m wishing has changed now. I use to hope for remission or a cure, now I just want peace for her. I don’t want her to suffer.

Posted by J.J. :: 2:19 PM :: 0 Comments:

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