Spread Your Wings and Fly

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Really, more smoke than fire

The conversation was recently overheard in an anonymous apartment.

Her: I didn't realize an oven could smoke so much.

Fireman neighbor: Technically, it's not the oven that's smoking. It's the pans you left in the oven and the handles are melting.

Her: I guess I should pay more attention when I'm cooking.

Fireman neighbor: I think you should stick with take-out and leave the cooking to the professionals.

Her: I have to agree with you.

Fireman neighbor: You're not planning on cooking on Thanksgiving are you? I'll be out of town that day.

Her: No, that would be too much cooking pressure.

Fireman neighbor: I feel safe now.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:42 PM :: 2 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------
My Mother's Son

I have a brother who is 5 years older than me. He lives relatively near to me but that’s the only way we are close. We have never had a great close relationship and I am jealous of people when they talk about the friendships with their siblings. I sometimes wonder if I’m even related to my own brother. My brother is also the favorite child (I know everyone says this about their siblings), he’s the first born son and exactly like my mother.
Our relationship has been even more difficult since my mother has been sick. This should be a time when we can count on each other, but we still are as distance as ever. He just doesn’t want to deal with the reality of our situation. People have different ways of dealing with problems, but I still feel alone. When we talk about it, he says he just can’t face what is going to happen. When my mother is in the hospital, sometimes he won’t even call her. I do understand the overwhelming sadness (and loss), but ignoring it isn’t going to help. I need him to help me with her future and care decisions.
I’m just very frustrated and wish I didn’t have to be in the situation alone.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:05 PM :: 1 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Happy Halloween


I'm going to a Halloween party tonight and I'm going as a cheerleader. It should be a good time, my friends always have great parties and I want to have some fun. I was actually surpised to find I still had this outfit and it fit! It's going to be funny wearing it again.
Happy Halloween and have a great weekend.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:05 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Too much too soon

Several weeks ago I had a really unfortunate experience with alcohol (too much vodka). This was very unusual for me because I’m usually not such a bad drunk. It was embarrassing, humiliaing and something I don’t wish to repeat.
I finished working today and thought having some drinks tonight would be a good idea. My dinner plans included cocktails with my customers. I had an appletini and it went down just fine. I thought I would easily move to a vodka and tonic with my dinner. Well….that was a very unfortunate mistake. I took one swallow of my drink and my stomach revolted. I couldn’t excuse myself quickly enough (well maybe once). I have never had this type of reaction before and I’m not looking to repeat it again. I returned to the table, made my apologies and sent the V&T away. The rest of dinner I spent sipping water. Either not enough time has passed to forget about the vodka or I’ll never be able to drink it again. Knowing how I feel right now, watching Smallville has much more appeal than having anything to drink.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:48 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Road Often Traveled

I travel the same routes all the time for work. My customers are always the same and I’m very much a creature of habit. I know exactly the same places I will stop along my trip and the times I’ll be there. There are sometimes variables I take into account; time of day, projected traffic, and can I drive in the HOV lane. Traveling today along the I-95 corridor I was particularly lucky and cruised easily. I always make 2 stops along the way (Starbuck’s and the rest stop/gas station), but I never have to stop on my way home. Sometimes I think maybe I should try a different route or think would it be better taking the beltway? I never do, I always end up going to same way and seeing what has changed along the way. I enjoy watching the seasons and landscapes change from trip to trip. Tomorrow I’m back on the road and my usual path to the next customer. I’ll drive my SUV, drink my Starbuck’s, listen to my iPod and wonder when I turned into such an adult.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:46 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------
Frustrated Wednesday

I’m in a foul mood today, and it’s only 7am. This can’t be a good start to my day. It’s been suggested to me that expressing the things I’m frustrated with will help my feelings.
My top 11 frustrations…
1. Cancer
2. My family
3. Being alone
4. Bills
5. Money
6. Work
7. Cold rain
8. Clothes in the closet
9. Pain in my neck
10. The future at work
11. Insomnia

I'm going to try and have a good day, I hope you can do the same.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:00 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Living Room Jungle


I'm a total green thumb and love growing plants. My 2 cats however have some different ideas. They love to dig, bite, climb and sit in my plants. I never actually see them doing to evil deeds, I just find the carnage of dirt and leaves when I come home.
The time of year has finally arrived and I had to bring the plants inside tonight. I dread this time of year and it always starts me on my count down to spring. I am hopeful my bonsai tree can survive another year on top of a dresser.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:30 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Blonde vs. Brown










The trip yesterday went fine. I drove down in the morning and watched the baby. Finny is so very cute and he was such a good baby. Instead of staying all night I drove home late last night (early this morning actually). Everything was fine and I feel a little silly about worrying about leaving just for 1 day.
I was up and dressed so early this morning I decided to change my hair. I dyed it BROWN! It's very dark brown and really a change for me. These are the actual picture of my hair (before and after). Only 2 weeks ago I had the blonde "enhanced" but I thought it was a little too much (too fake, too bimbo, too artificial?) Well I'm not sure but I may have gone too far and this might be a little too much for me. All my life I've had light hair and never had anything so dramatic. I'm not too upset about it and I'm going to give myself a few days to decide it's fate. It's only hair. The way I think about it I can always either change the color again or cut it short and pick a new color.

Posted by J.J. :: 12:20 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, October 19, 2005



I got the call again yesterday. The hospice nurse called me yesterday afternoon from the hospital with my mother. She had arrived at her house and found my mother unresponsive and called an ambulance. They quickly determined that the problem was with her blood sugar levels. She was admitted to the hospital to get her stabilized and for observation. The doctors had been concerned last week that my mother might have diabetes, so they wanted to continue to monitor her.
The major problem they are finding (and this wasn’t news to me) is my mom refuses to eat. She doesn’t like anything and won’t eat what’s offered to her. She will drink orange juice and eat toast, but she won’t drink Ensure or other supplement drinks. I tell her over and over again she has to eat but she just doesn’t listen to me. She says she doesn’t like it, it hurts her stomach or she just won’t eat it. When I saw her last night (in the hospital) she was feeling better and drinking some juice. It was quite a surprise when I found out today she checked herself out of the hospital. That’s right; she just got up and left. It’s pretty funny (at least to me) that a woman as sick as she is can walk right out of the hospital.
I saw her today and brought her all kinds of food to eat. She said she is going to try and eat regularly. We also talked about how I'm worried, nervous and scared. Can I leave the area? My cousin wants me to babysit Friday night and I'm nervous about leaving.

I asked her "What if something happens while I'm gone?"
"Nothing is going to happen until I'm ready. If you're not here I won't be ready" She said to me.

This gives me some level of comfort. I've thought for the longest time she's not choosing like I would. There is still so much I need to share with her. I saw some hope today she's not quite ready to give up.

I’ll let you know tomorrow.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:59 PM :: 2 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Long day's night

It's been another long day filled with doctor's calls, more bad news and hospital visits. One day at a time...it's the only thing I can do now.

Posted by J.J. :: 11:11 PM :: 1 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------
Keno

I was in Las Vegas last winter when I had first had this experience, but it happened again today and it made me laugh. I was sitting in a diner eating breakfast with a friend when I noticed a table of 3 men looking in my direction. Now I don’t consider myself vain but I couldn’t help thinking “Hey, I must look good today.” Was I having a particularly good hair day, was this outfit that cute or was I just that stunning? Whatever it was, it was working as I glanced again and they were still looking at me. I almost began to tell my friend how I was being so admired until I noticed they were all checking KENO sheets at their table. I looked over my head and saw the KENO board lighting up. The men at the table were gambling and I was in the way. They weren’t looking to me at all! Laughing, I told my friend what was happening and it became a joke the rest of the trip. Is that guy looking at me or is there a KENO board behind me?
This morning I laughed when in Starbuck’s another friend thought a cute guy was checking her out. She smiled, tossed her hair over her shoulders and waited for him to walk over. She was very surprised (and embarrassed) to discover he was reading the newspaper behind her.

Posted by J.J. :: 3:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A grain of sand


The weekend at the shore with my mother was a success. She wanted to visit the ocean and that is what we did. It was bittersweet and difficult for both of us. She is very sick and couldn’t do any of the things I’d planned for us. I guess, I always knew this but it just became more obvious spending this time together. She is unable to walk without assistance, doesn’t eat (unless you call peanut butter toast breakfast, lunch and dinner) and sleeps most of the time. I do understand what this all means but it’s so sad to watch.
We were able to sit, watch the ocean and talk. I listened as she talked about her life, music, her singing, my father and this sickness. She explained the turns and HER choices in life and how she never expected it to end like this. I listened and understood this is all her choice, not mine. I can’t save her and I can’t make these choices for her. The only things I can do are listen and comfort her.
Please don’t get me wrong; Cancer is a terrible disease and I would do anything to help my mother but she doesn’t want more treatment. It breaks my heart to watch her losing and slowly slipping away. When she would go back to bed I spent my time walking and sitting on the beach. I enjoyed the solitude and the time I could spend just thinking, crying and enjoying the world.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:40 PM :: 1 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Exhale

I’m breathing a little easier tonight, as my mother is doing much better. She’s awake, alert, eating and giving the nursing staff a difficult time. All in all she seems to be back to her old self. The doctors are still unsure what is causing her bleeding but are satisfied it has stopped. They are going to slowly reintroduce her medicine and what for side effects. They want to make her as comfortable as possible and have the best quality of life. We all spent the day together and watched football (Yeah Lions!). She should be able to go home on Tuesday.
Thank you for the good wishes and positive thoughts, I do appreciate them.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:19 PM :: 2 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Goodbye frying pan, Hello fire

Friday I found things have gone from bad to worse. I got a very scary call yesterday afternoon, “Please hold for your Mom” a female voice said to me. I knew from that time it wasn’t going to be good news. No one calls from the dressing room at Nordstrom’s saying “Please hold for your Mom”, at least I don’t. She was at the hospital and was losing blood. The police (who she use to work with) had to bring her to the hospital. She had another reaction to the medicine she’s taking and started have more symptoms (I’ll spare you the horrible details). The hospital decided to admit her and give her blood and fluids. I was oddly relieved because I was expecting so much worse.
She is definitely feeling (and sounding) better when I spoke to her this today. The doctors had been in and given her an update. They are running tests to see why she’s losing so much blood, but so far are uncertain. The newest is also she might be diabetic now and have some trouble with the veins in her neck (these aren’t related). For now, she still receiving blood and fluids, and restricted to a clear diet.. I don’t see how she can come home when she’s losing blood. She only eats a little and always stays in bed. We’re looking at her staying in the hospital until Monday and even then it’s still a question. I’m just taking this all one day at a time and do the best I can for her.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:55 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The shore

My mother wants to visit the shore. She told me this yesterday when she came home from the doctor. I’ll do anything to make her happy, so I said of course. I’ve planned and next weekend we’re making a trip to a pretty seaside town. It’s a relatively short car trip but I’m worried if she’ll be able to comfortably travel. My mother spends most of her time in bed and this trip might be too much for her. The last several days have been really bad and she can’t even talk to me on the phone, she’s too sick. We’ve now started hospice care. The hospice nurse had her first visit today and I’m curious to see what she had to say. Getting care from the nurse is a really big step and transition for my mother. I left a message for her updates this afternoon and plan to ask her about traveling. Is there anything we can do so my mother can get to do what she wanted? Is this something that I’ll even be able to handle on my own?

Posted by J.J. :: 12:02 PM :: 1 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------

Monday, October 03, 2005

What about Everything? Carbon Leaf

Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some stubborn leaves
That didn't fall with the fall, and now they clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high, hard to steer
Old muffler rumbles like an old fighter plane
In search of some rest, in search of a break
From a life of tests where something's always at stake
Where something's always so far
What about my broken car?
What about my life so far?
What about my dream?
What about.....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need

Get away and come with me
Come away with me and we'll see
If I was right on that night, that a future was made
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade
I think about time for fun
I think about time for play
Then I think about being done, with no resume
With no one left to blame
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?
What about the ring?
What about....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need

Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me
The hometown harbor lights bright, the sailboats clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high on this pier
I find it hard to complain when compared with what about...

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
What about...
What about aliens? What about you and me and...
What about gold beneath the sea?
What about...
What about when buildings fall?
What about that midnight phone call...
The one that wakes you from your peace?
Well, I am not, I am not, I am not in need

Posted by J.J. :: 6:10 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------
What about Everything?

Last night I came to an important decision (something too I’ve been told over and over again), I don’t want to keep wasting and missing my life. I sat with my mother yesterday and just talked to her. It was everything and I consider myself so lucky just to have the opportunity. I’m the one doing most of the talking now, but its alright. I just sit, hold her hand and “tell her things” like I did when I was little. These simple moments are becoming more and more important and I don’t want to take them for granted.
I’ve already spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, hating who I am and thinking “if only” or “what if”. The defeating and self-destructive behavior is keeping me from my life and happiness. The mistakes I’ve made won’t continue to haunt me; I’m letting them go. I’m not going to do it anymore. Life is just way too short and valuable to waste. I want to enjoy all I can and spend time with the people I care about. Honestly, I asked myself; what am I waiting for? I really like the person I am and I’m making the positive changes that I need to make. It’s taken me almost 3 years, countless hours and lots of talking to realize myself.

Posted by J.J. :: 5:58 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------