Spread Your Wings and Fly

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The web of our lives

The web of our lives is amazing me these last few days. The news of my Mother's condition has spread all across my very disfunctional family. I'm getting calls 3 or 4 times a day from relatives (and friends) I haven't spoken to in years. I love my Mother and know she is a wonderful person, and I'm being reminded of it (and crying) with every phone call. Cookie (as she's know) has touched so many people and they have wonderful memories they need to share.

Her lovely singing and playing the piano at holidays created memories for everyone. Auntie Kathy was always so sweet and kind, we always stopped by after school to see her. We were in each others weddings and I love her. She is the best and strongest woman I know, she's been nothing but good to me. Katherine helped make my children who they are today.

It's so sad to me, we have waited until this time to talk about all the good times. She (and all of us) could have used this many many times. Now we're just saying goodbye and tearfully remembering.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:54 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Friday, January 27, 2006

Katherine

My Mother has been struggling with cancer for over 3 years. Her fight is coming to an end. If you know me or my mother (even if you don't)please think some good thoughts for her and a peaceful transition to the next life. I'm so sad she's leaving us but glad her suffering will end.
I love you Mom.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:24 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Aphrodites

The last few weeks have been fairly quiet with my Mother. She's been in and out of the hospital and now is settling into a very nice hospice (that's a whole other story I'm not quite ready to share). In case you are wondering she was very angry after I called the social worker and her doctors. I really don't care because it was all for the best. She struggling now with ascites (we laugh and call them aphrodites) now more than the cancers. Ascites is caused by liver failure and results in fluid building up in her abdomen. She has about 10 liters every 2 weeks, and that is huge! She can't eat, drink and it's very painful. Her doctors are also worried about infection from the fluid. The specialist is coming in today and giving his opinion. Once again, I'm hoping for some positive news.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:18 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Monday, January 23, 2006

Right or Wrong?

Have you ever known what the right decision is but been too afraid to make it?
Do you know when something is terrible for you but you can't keep away?
I know what I have to do but it just hurts so much. I have to be strong and know I'm making the right decision.
"Nothing can hurt us unless we ourselves allow it". I'm allowing him to hurt me and that has to stop.
Give me strength.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:57 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Travel Times


I work in sales and it's trade show season. That means I'll be doing quite a bit of traveling in the upcoming months. I really don't mind it too much but I'm always happy to get in my own bed. Most people reply when I talk about traveling; Wow, you get to go to so many cool places! You're so lucky. I always have to remind them that it's work. Sure, I've been to many different cities and seen the convention centers and hotels. I'm working all day on the trade show floor, eating dinner with customers, coming back to the hotel for a few "casual" drinks and then trying to get a few hours sleep before I have to get up and catch a really early flight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, there are many worse jobs, but it is work. There are the lucky times when I have free time and I do sit by the pool, get some sun in Florida, gamble on the strip or visit Dealey plaza in Dallas. Far to often I miss those times because of bad directions, flight delays, u turns and mis-judging my travel times.
Today I'm packing my bags, putting my emergency sandwich in my briefcase and charging my iPod; I'm ready to hit the road.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:16 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, January 20, 2006

The weak that was

This is something I never talk about here but I'm going to break my rule.
I've been acting really stupid to a very good friend of mine. I over reacted and said things I shouldn't. I've apologized for my actions and asked him to forgive me. He said he did and we're moving forward. I've had a difficult week and I'm trying to get a handle on my feelings.
In the times of my anger, I left him a voice mail asking for some space. We talked that evening and I apologized for my behavior. He said he didn't know me in my message. He didn't know that ugly person. It wasn't me who was so weak, scared and willing to give up. I know he's right about that, and I need to be stronger. I told him how much I needed him and he's part of me.
"I can't walk away from you", I said.
He replied, "Then don't"
"Be the person I know you can be and I'll be the man you want me to be"
It always comes back to that and I know it all too well. I have to be strong and get myself together. I ask him the questions I need answered.
Do you love me?
Yes, you know I do.
Do you want to be with me?
Yes, I do.
Should that be enough? Should I be happy with those answers and know our future is secure? Yes, it should. I know that but I just have to believe that.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:06 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Blades

Back turned with tattoo staring
Silver blades masks soft skin
A favorite place
Sweet to kiss, once
Tastes sour with lies
Betrayed once more
A final time

Release me from your mind
Erase your memories
Lose my touch
Forget my love
Turn your back and walk away
Empty words fill useless promises
Breaking my heart

Posted by J.J. :: 7:56 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Hurt

I'm at a loss of what to say. I'm so hurt, so confused and just heart broken. I know you don't understand any of this, but all you need to know is I'm breaking inside.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:14 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Karma

Karma is a BITCH.
All the bad energy that you put out there always comes back to you, sometimes worse than you gave. Today it's all coming back to the fabulous group who trashed me, and I can't wait. I know, I know, I shouldn't be happy at the misfortune of others but it's just so perfect. They had the best time making me look terrible and knocking me down a few rungs and thought they could just keep sitting pretty. It's going to be a tough wake up call when then hear the new "re-org".
Karma, she's a real bitch.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:03 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Support Any Soldier, Support Every Soldier

I've recently been so caught up in my own life that I've lost sight of those who really are fighting everyday. I'm talking about the men and women who bravely serve this country and defend our freedom. It doesn't matter about politics or if you are against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the troops all deserve our support and admirations. They are working, fighting and all to often die(approximately 6 per day) to keep us all safe. Please remember them in your prayers, light a candle in church or just say thank you to a member of the military. A great website is Any Soldier, it offers many ways to help, thank and support our military personal.
Freedom isn't always Free.

Posted by J.J. :: 1:50 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Hard Choices

I've made a difficult choice that I didn't want to make, but it's done now. My Mother is doing very poorly and isn't listening to any form of reason. She's very sick and won't get any help. My brother and me try to talk, ask questions and be supportive but it's just not working. As of today she can't get out of bed and get dressed, but yet she's worried about driving. It's unreasonable. It's getting to the point both of us can't talk to her because it makes us so very angry.
Me - How are you feeling today?
Her - Terrible
Me - Did you call the doctor?
Her - No
Me - Did you get up and have something to eat?
Her - No, I'm in too much pain to get up.
Me - So...What are you going to do?
Her - I don't know
Me - If you can't get out of bed, you need to call an ambulance
Her - I don't know what to do
I could go on and on about these conversations, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with them. It's so frustrating and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I know all of this is her choice, but I believe (and I may be wrong) something has to be done. I made the choice today.
I called my Mother's social worker and her doctor and told them our concerns.
She is going to be so very angry but I don't care. She needs help!! They are professionals and can work on her intervention, getting better treatment and the help she needs. They can help her. I have to believe that and raising this to the next level was what needed to be done.
I feel just terrible because I know she's going to be so upset, but I'm just at such a lost. This woman can't even get out of bed and she expects to drive!!!!! It's madness and it has to stop! She has to get some help!

Posted by J.J. :: 1:26 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Blue Thursday

Interesting thoughts for today and it almost captures how I'm feeling.

Her Name
I exist in his reality
Our future certain and unspoken past
Spent together
Forever

He knows me
What I want
When, He
Kisses and touches me
The taste of my skin as he bites me
Warmth of my blood

Waking
Arm around my waist
Hand on my stomach
Not her
Never her

She Means nothing to me
She's not real in my life
Lives as a fairy tale to him
The one who will never be
He knows
I know
We never say her name

Posted by J.J. :: 9:08 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, January 09, 2006

It's all about meme

I pulled this meme from Barbara's site to share 5 weird traits/personal habits. I thought it would be fun to share and let you know a little bit more about me. If you like it, please consider yourself tagged.

1. I've written down everything I've eaten since 2001. I have several small notebooks that list by day all my meals, drinks and snacks. It was the daily diary of an eating disorder but now it's my road to recovery.

2. I always take my nail polish off on Saturday. Sunday is the start of a new week and I like to have fresh nails, even if it is just clear polish....I like it.

3. When I return from a trip I always unpack. I can't go to sleep at night until my suitcase is unpacked. I'm more comfortable with my toothbrush back in its home cup.

4. There are lots of coloured pens in my work desk drawer and I use a different one everyday. What's so weird about that, you ask? I use a pen that closely matches my outfit. It always makes me smile.

Ok, now you know several of my quirks. What are yours? I know you want to share.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:52 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Sunday, January 08, 2006

Happy in 2006

I'm going to be happy this year and I'm finally working on the changes I need. I'm tired of saying "what if", "why" and let others (and situations) bring me down. I'm responsible for myself and know my own self worth. I've borrowed this idea from AA and her blog; it really struck me as something I wanted to do for myself.

These are my resolutions and changes I'm making this year.

1. I will not let the little things bring me down. There are certain things in my life I know to be true and nothing will change that. I refuse to let the small non-important stuff get in the way of what I want. The anxiety over these little things just doesn't do me any good. I'll stop checking, looking and wondering.....Don't sweat the small stuff.

2. I will be myself and let go of my insecurities. I'm working very hard on making the changes in myself and I'm on the right track. No one can stop me from being who I am except myself and my self doubt; no longer will I give into that. I'm responsible for whom I am and I like myself. I don't want to be that negative, insecure, and self defeating person. Never, ever again.

3. I won't be afraid anymore. The quote "Nothing can hurt us unless we ourselves allow it" is so true and I'm applying it in my life. I won't be hurt and afraid when I know I'm stronger.

4. I will be ready. He knows what this means and Bring it! Game On! I will be ready.

I'm ready for a happy great 2006!!

Posted by J.J. :: 4:25 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Frozen North and other problems

The weather in Florida is so nice. I just got back from my 3 day trip and really had a good time. Yes, I was working but I did get some time to sit by the pool. I even got some sun and let me tell you it was nice. It was very very nice. However, it's back to reality (and the cold weather) now and I'm not too happy about it.
I'm feeling the January let down and feeling the pressures of life. I'm broke from the Holidays, unhappy in my work, itching like crazy, struggling, and trying to help my mom. I really want to be happy but I just keep feeling pushed down. Last month, I swear I thought I had everything figured out and knew my path for the next year or so. Foolish ( I see now) because this month everything is turned back on it's ear and I'm just as confused as ever.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:53 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

All that I Am

I really like this poem, it's very close to my life.

I am
A woman in love
Sweet memories, wishing of forever
An untold future
Waiting for "what if"
Wanting might never be
Always I love him

I am
A hard worker and best friend
Kind in my actions
A caring heart
Loyal to my word
Proud of this country
I'll do all I can

I am
The devoted daughter
A Lost father's memory
Caring for a dying mother
Saving the memories
Doing the best I can
I'm devoted to her

I am
Struggling with my past
Forgetting the demons
Abuse then compulsiveness
Self inflictive pain
Finding myself again
It's all who I am

Posted by J.J. :: 7:12 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Relationships

Uh!
RELATIONSHIPS!
I'm terrible at relationships, at least today I am. Friends, family, coworkers...None were spared from my attitude today. Almost everyone I interacted with today walked away(or hung up the phone)shaking their head and mumbling, "What happened to her today?". I'm not quite sure what my problem is today? Is it coming off vacation, that extra second last year, or too much wine and JD last night? I think it's a combination of events, but I'm trying to be more pleasant tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for some work travels and think being out on the road will do me some good.
Deep breaths and Smile.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:23 PM :: 0 Comments:

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