Spread Your Wings and Fly

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Birthday!

It's my Birthday!

Today is the day, and my party is tonight!

All my best friends are here (except one), they have traveled from near and far to spend this weekend with me. I couldn't be luckier! We had a great girls night last night and this morning we're slowly coming to life. There's is a semi-orderly system for everyone to get ready for brunch. Hahaha!!
It's going to be another great day and I wish the same for you.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:43 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Thursday, April 27, 2006

The next day


The next day
Originally uploaded by ClemieWynn.
I've had a really long night and this is what I woke up to this morning. My shoes, purse and a full bottle of Jack Daniels on my bed! I insisted we stop and I bought that bottle, I had one drink and that was it. Once I was home I crawled right into bed.
We had a GREAT time last night, and while I'm hurting now (and off to NYC today), I can't wait to do it again!

Posted by J.J. :: 5:59 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Start lighting the candles

Tonight I'm starting to celebrate my birthday! My actual birthday isn't for a few more days, but I've got dinners and parties on the next several nights. Yeah! How much fun is this going to be?
It's girls night tonight downtown and we're starting with cocktails in a very cool bar. These ladies are coming from all over (and hired all the baby sitters) so we can celebrate. I'm so very grateful to have these friends and couldn't be looking more forward to the fun.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:05 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, April 24, 2006

To sleep, perchance to dream

I'm fighting a losing war with sleep, or maybe I'm winning the war? Either way, I'm not sleeping at night. I've spent the past week or so tossing and turning in my bed (and hotel beds), because I can't fall asleep. There is no reason for this new insomnia; there is no crying baby in my home, I don't exercise too late in the evening, I'm not adjusting from daylights saying time and I'm not drinking cups of coca-cola at 7:30 at night. I don't understand it either. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but then I get there and I'm WIDE awake. I count the hours before I need to wake up. Thinking, if I went to sleep right this second how will I feel with 4 hours of sleep? I count backwards from 100 over and over again. I talk, yes, I talk to people; mostly I talk to The Soldier and to my Mother. Its weird I know, but it passes the time.
I'd love to go to bed now (I'm tired enough), but I'm afraid if I do I'll wake up at 1 am and think it's time to get up. My body is just that crazy and it's only 8:30 at night. It's hardly dark outside! I'm going to try and stay up a little longer and get really tired.
Its stress related (my therapists words today) and I need to relax and try to meditate before I go to sleep. My mind needs to be clear and not worrying about the day's events. This is going to be my plan tonight.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:39 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Great Unknown

I made a move yesterday closer to the adult world and purchased furniture. This is a major (in my world) event and a signal of leaving carefree living behind. This is my first major purchase of furniture that doesn't come in a box and need to be assembled! I've also now moved past a point where I can move myself.
Last year after a very bad time in Virginia, I quickly (and mostly by myself) moved back to Pa. All I needed was my SUV and a small trailer. The most valuable possessions were all able to fit easily. There wasn't much (furniture) that I hadn't bought at garage sales, got as a hand me down, or built from many parts. Also, I never really recovered from a flood in my previous apartment. I was a very bad time in my life. So much has changed since then and I'm in such a better place now. I'm moving forward plus I'm celebrating my birthday.
A new dresser, chest of drawers, bed and side table will be deliver to my home in the next 7 days. I'm really excited and I've already purchased new lamps and lovely pillows for my bed. Vanity? Maybe....But I think it's ok to do a little something for myself.

Posted by J.J. :: 12:55 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Yawn!!

I made it home late last night from a very long day in Nebraska. This was my last trip for the next couple weeks and I'm a little bit more than happy. It's been difficult finding my "center" for the past few months being on the road so much. Mind you, I'm not complaining.....I realize how lucky I am to have a good job and relatively few worries.
Today I'm have a talk with my boss. I'm a little bit nervous about this, but I have all my facts straight and know I've done nothing wrong.
Fingers crossed and wish me luck!

Posted by J.J. :: 7:10 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Off and On

I got the pink cast off yesterday!
Then I got a new and smaller white cast as a replacement. It's good news because now I have more movement in my arm (my elbow is now free) and can do so much more. I need to wear this little cast for a few more weeks while my ulna continues to heal. I'm disappointed because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday (and go to my birthday party) wearing this cast. There is still hope, however, I could get it off at the end of next week. Keep your fingers crossed!
In other news, I'm heading to Nebraska today. I've never been there before so, it should be interesting. I used some of my "miles" for this trip, so I'll be enjoying first class.
Good times, good times.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:41 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sunshine Sunday


I didn't really want to do all the regular "Easter" stuff today.
First of all I'm not religious in the conventional way and second it's the first holiday without my mother. I wanted to just enjoy the day and think about her in my own way.
I spent the morning at the Philadelphia museum of Art and saw the Andrew Wyeth Exhibit. It was so beautiful and I love his work. It was calming and almost reflective as I walked thorough the galleries. There are moving, tranquil and narrative peaces of work that show so many emotions. My Mother would have loved it and that gave me comfort today. It is a beautiful day here and it's been very nice and relaxing.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:58 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Wait for Us

This poem captures my feeling, memories and emotions of that day. It gives me such visual reminders. I counted her breaths and knew when the end had come.

Wait for Us

The deathbed set
One thousand lives congregate
Waiting
Another joins tonight

Shallow breaths
Draw far apart
A growing shadow
darkness creeps

Confessions gave with promises
Forgiveness
Tears of loss
Years of pain

Her soul moves away

Posted by J.J. :: 11:12 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, April 14, 2006

Sweet Progress


I'm girlie in many many ways. I regularly get my nails, hair, and even toenails "done". I love the color pink and wear Tiffany jewelry. One (of many) thing that sets me apart in my LOVE of cool new stuff. I get new products and then I am convinced everyone else should have it too (I guess that's why I'm in sales). The latest and greatest I have is satellite radio, specifically XM radio.
I am totally hooked (and LOVE) XM radio. It's the greatest thing since my new iPod. Everything is on XM and it's commercial free. I now listen to satellite radio in my car and in my home. The selection is amazing and if you are a fan of talk radio, you can't get any better then XM. Yes, there is some cost involved but it's only $12.95 per month and for the amount of time I spend driving (and listening) it's well worth the cost.

Posted by J.J. :: 3:46 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A Passive day

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don't play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I'll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (x3)
You're better off this (x2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up (Why can't you?)
And face me(Come on now)
Don't play dead (Don't play dead)
'Cause maybe(Because maybe)
Someday (Someday)
I'll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
Why can't you turn and face me?(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit... (x12)

Posted by J.J. :: 8:28 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Home and in bed

Yes, that is where I will be for the next seven nights. I have been traveling like crazy recently and it's finally come to an end.
Yeah!
I can't remember the last time I spent an entire week at home. I know it has to be at least January or maybe even December. Either way I'm totally looking forward to getting back to normal.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:43 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

Lucky?


Luck be a lady?
If its true, I'm not quite sure if the lady likes me.
I spent the past week in Reno. I had a really good time and saw lots of great "clients". Aside from 1 day visiting Lake Tahoe all my time was spent in the Reno hotel or casino. However, my times on the casino floor weren't very lucky. I didn't lose lots of money, but I didn't win big either. I tried several times a day to be a lucky winner but it just never happened. Keno, roulette, blackjack, even the penny slots and I didn't win. There were nights I even spent other peoples money (thanks Bob) trying to win! It didn't work and by Friday night I had resigned myself to the unlucky gambler statues and went to bed.
I think Reno just isn't my town.
On a much better note, this is the last week with the pink cast ! One week from tomorrow I see the doctor for his decision and I can not wait to get this thing off. I'm so ready to take a shower without a huge plastic bag around my arm, wash my hair with 2 hands and be able to wear a pair of shoes that tie (and tie them myself).
Its really the simple things I miss.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:38 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Random but not meaningless

While I was thinking about my Mother the afternoon I came up with this list. It's just random information about her that wasn't obvious to everyone. It's all part of why she was such a wonderful person.

She was a classically trained singer.
She loved Christmas and Christmas songs.
Her nickname was Cookie.
Her fingernails were beautiful and she always had a manicure.
She was fascinated with the Shroud of Turin.
She loved flowers and plants, we always went to the nursery in the spring.
She wasn't a very good cook.
She taught me how to drive a stick shift the first day I got my license.
I only saw her cry once.
She would read everything and loved finding new books.
I don't think she was ever afraid.
We started our Christmas shopping every election day.
She knew all about Mt. Everest and knew when the climbers were summiting in the spring.
Swan Lake was her favorite ballet.
She loved to go to the theater, it didn't matter if it was the national company or a local group. She enjoyed them all.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:43 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Missing

I really miss my mom. I miss her everyday but today I'm just so sad and really want to talk to her.
When my mom found out she had cancer I started calling her everyday. It didn't matter if I was traveling, on vacation or visiting a customer, I always took a few minutes and said hello. I would "tell her things" (as she described it) about my day or what I was doing. It could be as silly as nail polish or something I noticed on the news, I just wanted to her her voice and make sure she was alright.
When I think back about those phone calls, it makes me so sad. I miss the everyday, I miss the funny little jokes we had, and I really miss her.

Posted by J.J. :: 4:36 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Morning of beauty

I arrive back from Dallas yesterday a little worse for wear. While the trip, customers and accommodations were great, my personal appearance had seen better days. So, this morning I went into the shop (beauty shop) for some routine maintenance. The cast on my arm (and elbow) makes it impossible to paint my nails, so my nails were a mess.
I was there forever getting things done. I had my hair cut and highlighted, my finger and toenails polished, and there was some hot wax used. It was crazy how much I had done and how long it took. I just keep moving from station to station and stylist to stylist, each time hoping it would be the last.
I'm happy to report now I'm back in my (better) original self and as vain as it sounds I feel much better.

I also checked in with WW this morning and I lost 2 lbs.! Yeah, this is great...Specially since I was living the high life in Dallas.

Posted by J.J. :: 1:14 PM :: 0 Comments:

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