Spread Your Wings and Fly

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Higher Ground

I live in the very soggy Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. It has been raining here almost nonstop since Saturday afternoon. Today, we had some good news and lots of bad news.

Good news
The rain stopped today.

Bad News
It's supposed to rain again tomorrow.
We don't have any drinking water. All tap water has to be boiled for several minutes in order to drink it (yuck). I've purchased quite a bit to get me though. It could be next week before it's normal.
The rivers are continuing to rise and won't crest at least until tomorrow, maybe Friday. I live on high ground, but many of my friends aren't so lucky and have to evacuated. They are taking as much as they can to save from their homes.
I can't get to work because of the flooding, so I'm working from home. (ok, that might be good news).
There is a very strong chance we'll lose power as the flooding continues. Fun times.

Please think good dry thoughts for all of us in the northeast. Hopefully, we've seen the worst of this weather and the damage will be minimal.

Posted by J.J. :: 10:03 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Find Better Days

I'm generally a happy person. My life is good and I consider myself lucky for everything I have. Today though, I'm just feeling sad and sorry for myself. I miss my mother and feel so alone. It's been 4 months since her death and there isn't a day that goes by I don't miss her. It's worse today and it seems like she's been gone forever. All I can remember (or what's the most in my brainpan) is the last horrible days. I see how she was and the pain is as fresh as ever.
I'm trying to focus the good time and think of her when she was heathy. The questions are quing over and over; why did this happen? Why didn't her doctor do more? Why didn't she get diagnosed earlier? Why didn't I do more? It hurts and it haunts me because there are no answers to my questions.
I know the day will come and I'll be able to talk about her without crying. The boxes of her possessions will become part of my home. The pain of her loss won't keep me up at night. It just takes time and I'm not there yet. I still miss her so much.

Posted by J.J. :: 3:21 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I won't ask and would never tell

I recently found out a very good friend of mine is gay. Or that he might be gay, or bi, or thinks he might be gay. I don't really know because it is all 2nd hand information. We are really good friends and have often talked openly about homosexuality and he has always denied it. We speak everyday and share our lives (he was one of the first people who called when my mother died) feelings. That is the confusing part, I'm open and accepting and he's never told me.
I've made the decision not to tell him what I've heard. It's not my business and if he doesn't feel comfortable telling me about this part of his life I understand. I'm sad about this though, and I'm feeling so bad for my friend. How terrible must it be for him? How difficult is it to keep who you are as a secret?
I so want to tell him, "I know and it doesn't matter to me". I just don't feel like that it the right thing to do. There is the possibility my information is wrong. My gut is telling me to leave it alone. What do you think?

Posted by J.J. :: 6:37 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Detox

I've been entertaining my "clients" for the past several days. Everyday just seems a little bit more than the rest. Oh boy, I'm going to need some serious home detoxing time now and try to recover.
I've had some very recent good news and inside (and out) I'm all smiles.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:06 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Poem, Fool's Game

Interesting words came into play today. We discuss, I listen, we all learn.....that's the best part of readings. This is from today's work.

Fool's Game
I play the fool this time
Today's betrayal is far too cruel
Blind eyes hoping for what will not be
A broken heart knowing it never was

Vile taste as sickness washes over me
Chills rise up my spine
Hot burn of tears I can't keep inside
Crying all night long

Deception is a pain of the evilest cut
Blood flows from deeps wounds that will not heal
Nothing is what is seems
Death would be more welcoming

Hurting for past sins with my suffering as a goal
Over and over it happens
Worse and worse it becomes
I know the truth and the game is over

Posted by J.J. :: 10:25 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Monday, June 12, 2006

True Confessions

Truth time.
I have a confession to make and I'm not very proud of it. Are you ready? Here it goes.
I'm a call screener.
I screen my calls after 5pm (and often during the weekend). I very rarely answer my phone at night. I listen to the messages people leave me and call them back the next day. I'm awful, terrible and do it all the time. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't like talking on the phone.
I'll explain.
I work in sales. I work in sales on the phone. I spend my WHOLE day talking, selling, laughing, being funny and charming on the phone. I'm wonderful at it and my "clients" love me. There are headsets, multiple lines, hold buttons and que music involved. Its all very complex.
However, The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk more on the phone. Somedays (like today), I've spend all day in the office and feel attached to my phone. Yuck!
The family and friends are very annoyed when I screen them at night. They leave long extended messages and sometimes I'm forced to pick-up. Guilt comes at me like a speeding train and (of course) I'm happy to talk once I've started. Some calls I can never get enough of and (if it's possible) wish for more of them.
I tell my family, "Don't take it personally, I'll try to do better". I also suggest they call me between the hours of 7am and 5pm (on my celly) and hit me during my peak hours.

Posted by J.J. :: 8:39 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, June 09, 2006

Small step back

I had a really bad day Wednesday and actually went back to my old behavior. I don't know why I was just feeling really bad/insecure/angry/let down/frustrated/sad and I'm not quite sure why. I...I don't know...But I b/p and it was really upsetting. The only way I can explain why is, the feeling of totally being stuffed (and then removing it all) becomes better than any pain you are feeling. It's sick and wrong (typing it is really difficult too) but it's the truth.
However, the good part is I see it, I see it and I know it's wrong, when it happened I called my support people and a friend came over. I went to a meeting last night and talked about why and what is my trigger. I'm so proud of myself and the progress I've made so far, I'M NOT GOING BACK. I'm so moving forward from Wednesday (and the years of suffering) and not going to beat myself over a step back. I just can't, and I know I'm going to be ok...I'm going to be better than ok.
One day at a time.

Posted by J.J. :: 7:26 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

6-6-6

June 6, 2006

Oooohhh, scary!

Posted by J.J. :: 7:27 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Jake the Cupcake


My cat Jake (aka Cuppie) left me today. He was actually my Mother's cat but came to live with me when she died. He was 19 years old and LOVED my Mother. He was heartbroken and spent several days in my bathroom when he first came to live with me. He eventually warmed up to me but it was never the same as Mom. The past several days he was struggling and today he left me. Exactly 4 months later he's gone to be with my Mom, the love of his life. I know it sounds a little silly but he loved her; when my Mother was very sick he never left her bedside, followed her around and she was so worried about him everytime she was in the hospital.
I told him over and over again today, "You can go be with Mom now and She's going to take care of again".
I'll miss you Jake the Cupcake, Cuppie, Jakey, Cuperdoodles, Cuppiepie.

Posted by J.J. :: 6:50 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Friday, June 02, 2006

The Happiest Place on Earth

What does The Happiest Place on Earth and a dry technology conference have in common?
Me, of course! That's where I'm spending this week and working v v hard. It's been a fun week and I've easily been (a little) out of control a few times. I've had a few new experiences and been laughing about them ever since.
Tomorrow I'm heading back home and will be staying there for the next several weeks. I'm actually looking forward to my grounding. I'll be seeing you back in the real world.

Posted by J.J. :: 9:35 AM :: 0 Comments:

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