Spread Your Wings and Fly

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Frustration and sadness

I can’t begin to express my adoption frustrations. I’m so sorry I even began telling people about this process and my plans. The questions (although well meaning) are so hard to deal with and just bring me back to frustration. This is my chance to have a child, and I just see it slipping away. The beauracracy and messed up government policies are putting up impossible road blocks and timelines that I can’t get around. I don’t know what to do except keep doing what I can, work on all the paperwork and hope. Hope everything will work out; I’ll get a referral, find the money, the paperwork will move quickly, our governments will get along.
The worst part of this situation is that the “process” is the better problem to deal with. What I’m having the worst time with is my feelings about motherhood and children. I’m ready and so want to be a mother, have a child and a family. I know it’s what I want, but it just doesn’t seem to be in my future. It breaks my heart everyday and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m having a really difficult time around my pregnant friends and/or their kids. It just makes me so sad (and sometimes I can’t even talk about it, see it, or be there) motherhood so very far away from me and I just can’t get there. This really is my nightmare and one of my deepest fears. I know, it sounds silly, petty, or immature but it’s true. I don’t know what will be next if I can’t have any children.

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Posted by J.J. :: 8:24 PM :: 2 Comments:

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