Spread Your Wings and Fly

Frustration and sadness

2007-12-04T20:24:00.000-05:00

I can’t begin to express my adoption frustrations. I’m so sorry I even began telling people about this process and my plans. The questions (although well meaning) are so hard to deal with and just bring me back to frustration. This is my chance to have a child, and I just see it slipping away. The beauracracy and messed up government policies are putting up impossible road blocks and timelines that I can’t get around. I don’t know what to do except keep doing what I can, work on all the paperwork and hope. Hope everything will work out; I’ll get a referral, find the money, the paperwork will move quickly, our governments will get along.
The worst part of this situation is that the “process” is the better problem to deal with. What I’m having the worst time with is my feelings about motherhood and children. I’m ready and so want to be a mother, have a child and a family. I know it’s what I want, but it just doesn’t seem to be in my future. It breaks my heart everyday and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m having a really difficult time around my pregnant friends and/or their kids. It just makes me so sad (and sometimes I can’t even talk about it, see it, or be there) motherhood so very far away from me and I just can’t get there. This really is my nightmare and one of my deepest fears. I know, it sounds silly, petty, or immature but it’s true. I don’t know what will be next if I can’t have any children.

How and how?

2007-11-28T18:18:00.000-05:00

"How? How do you handle it? What’s it like with him being gone so long? I couldn’t handle it with my husband gone!" People ask me many questions when they find out TS has deployed. Most of the time I don’t mind answering and people are generally supportive. It only really bothers me when they question the dedication of our soldiers or are generally unsupportive (of them).
How do I handle it?
It’s pretty simple; I just get through each day. After each day, soon it’s been a week, and then it’s a month. It’s all I can do and it works the best for me. Don’t get me wrong, I miss him desperately. I look at his pictures, email and write him, think about our conversations and memories, I’m still sleeping with his t-shirt, and just miss him so much. There are good days and some bad days too. I want to speak to him when I have both. I’m also very lucky and am able to speak to him on a regular basis. It helps.
This morning I looked at my calendar and all the days to fill until he comes home again. It’s still 200 plus but after today it will be one less. I’m keeping myself busy with what to do for his Christmas and when I need to send it all. The time will go quickly (I hope) and everyday brings him one step closer.

Sadness

2007-11-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

He was here for about three weeks and left this morning. I was very sad and keep my emotions together for him. The moon was full in the sky, with the weather cold and crisp. It was very surreal standing in the darkness and watching him drive away. I know he'll be safe and back home soon, but it never gets any easier.

Hero

2007-09-12T21:42:00.001-04:00

I own a crib

2007-07-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

I bought her crib today.
That’s a very big step towards reality. I’ve been taking baby steps (hahaha) to this and other preparations but this one was pretty major. It’s really difficult getting everything ready and keeping myself guarded (and prepared) for whatever comes my way. The situation with adoption (especially international adoption) is so long and so time intensive, I wanted to be careful. I know she’s going to get here but seeing all the baby stuff can be so emotionally difficult. For the longest time I didn’t do anything, except wait. I didn’t by any clothing, supplies, get the nursery ready, nothing. I just couldn’t look at it everyday, it would be too hard. I’m getting past all that and today I bought her crib. She’s start her life with me in this crib. I know she won’t have any memories of it, but I will and I couldn’t be happier.

Packages

2007-06-26T19:03:00.001-04:00

TS is in Iraq. He'll be there for quite a bit longer. It's hard (for him, of course) and I miss him everyday. I'm lucky, he's able to call relatively often and is in a safe place (as safe as can be). All of this makes it easier (for me) but I still know (and never forget) he's in a war zone and working really hard.
I send him packages almost every week. I love doing it and it helps me feel closer to him. When I buy things I'm always thinking about him. It's often silly things or snacks I know he'll like, crackers, gum, DVDs, drink mix, etc. I'm happy to think of the smile on his face when he opens the box and sees what I've picked. I always write a note in a card in the box too. I want him to be happy and make his life easier. There's always extra stuff in there too for the guys he works with, they all need all help.
I just sent a box today and it should be there next week. This weekend I'll start picking new items for the next package. I'll keep this process going until he comes ago.

Mini break

2007-06-24T21:10:00.000-04:00

I'm back from a great weekend in Ocean City, Maryland. It was warm, sunny and relaxing. I didn't do anything really other than sit in the sun and have several beverages. It was really great to get away from everyday life. I missed him (and wanted him there) but I took many photos, so he could see what it's all about.

Everything is going well on the adoption side, as well. There isn't any news to report and I'm patiently waiting. There's still quite a bit for me to do with her room and I've set the 4th of July is my goal date for completion. I'm going to paint next weekend.

Analeise

2007-06-11T21:19:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for Analeise. She waiting for me in Taiwan and can't be here soon enough. I haven't even met her and I couldn't love her more. I love just the idea of her and limitless possibilities she'll have. It took me quite a time to get to this point (wanting to have a child) and now I can't wait. It's scary, exciting and will be a huge life change but I'm so ready.

Red Thread

2007-05-22T20:44:00.001-04:00

I just read this and it sums up all my feelings about him, her, wanting, wishing and waiting.

A Red Thread to China

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break."
Ancient Chinese Belief

Dwell Baby

2007-05-20T09:48:00.001-04:00

I love Dwell Baby! They have the cutest and coolest baby stuff. I've order Garden Blossom for Lisey's room.

Almost perfect day

2007-05-13T19:20:00.000-04:00

I've having almost a perfect late spring day. This has been my day so far, you can be the judge.

coffee outside sitting on my patio
watching baby ducks and geese
buying new plants at the nursery
gardening
blood elf AKA World of Warcraft
my favorite dinner - tomatoes with feta, corn on the cob and grilled chicken

Today's been a very nice Sunday at home. What would have made it perfect? If he were here too.

Time

2007-05-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

The days are going by slowly, but the month passes quickly. He’s been gone a month already. It seems likes much longer already. The last few days have been harder than usual and I just miss him too much. My friends don’t understand and try to be supportive, but it’s hard to explain being without him. I don’t think I knew how difficult it would be this time (I didn’t know) and know I understand he concerns of a few months ago.
These are the things that help keep me positive –
The longer he’s gone means the sooner he’s home
We have a little girl on the way
He’s doing what he needs to do and I’m proud of him
I’m grateful for everything before he left and all our time together
Our home together and having it ready when he’s home

This is just another part of our history and I’ll get through it. I’m already another day closer to him coming home again.

Good for a Monday

2007-04-16T18:40:00.000-04:00

I heard his voice today and he sounded great. He’s doing just fine and sounded perfect. It really makes my day when we get to talk. Yay!
I’m still unpacking my house (how much stuff do I have?!) and I’m really tired of it too. It is taking me forever and I don’t see as much progress as I did before. Honestly, I’m unpacking everyday! There just seems to be more and more stuff. I worked yesterday on Analeise’s room (AKA - the room with all the extra stuff) and looked in the boxes and organized what there. Time is getting short and I need to start making it a baby room. I’m just not sure now where it’s all going to fit; is it possible my new apartment is too small? I’m starting feel that way but that’s a very scary thought. Hopefully, getting things put away (drawers, closets, etc.) will help build a more positive feeling with the new house. I’d really hate to move again.

It's my earth too!

2007-04-15T16:17:00.000-04:00

I'm going green and becoming (even more so) a tree hugger. The use of chemicals in everyday items is my first concern. I don't like the way chemicals, soap and impurities work there way into our ground water. I'm making some necessary changes to live a better "green" life. I know, I know.....I'm just one person but I want to make a difference. Starting small and making 1 change at a time can help leave a better (smaller) footprint on the earth.
Next, I'm using canvas shopping bags and buying a very good doormat.

Home? House?

2007-04-12T20:15:00.000-04:00

I've been in the new house 1 week (tomorrow) and it's still feels like I'm living in a stranger's house. Its really difficult making the switch and feeling more comfortable. Every night, I work on unpacking my boxes and putting stuff away. I try to make it more like home; more familiar. I'm not sure how long it will take (hopefully, it will happen) but I want it to be soon. I just feel so out of place.
Ollie The Cat (aka Roscoe) feels it too. I've never heard him meow so much. All night long or the early morning he meows, growls and roams around. Looking for our old house? I don't know?

I'm keeping track

2007-04-12T06:45:00.000-04:00

He’s been gone for 2 days (almost 3) and it seems like such a long time already. This is the 3rd time and by far the most difficult. I just miss him so much already. It looks like he’ll be gone for 15 months now and not the 12 we’ve (I’ve) been planning. Today, that seems like an eternity and I just want to cry.
I know he’s going to be fine. This is one of those times; I’m worried how I’ll be ok without him. Being without him these last few days reminds me exactly how much he is part of my life. There is a HUGE hole now that’s he gone.
I told him Monday, “I’m not going to say goodbye. Goodbye is just something I’m not prepared to deal with, so we’re just treating this as you going to work (for an extended time). I’m not going to be able to talk to you as much as I’d like, but we’re still going to be alright”.

The Big Move

2007-04-11T12:41:00.000-04:00

The “big move” was this weekend and I’m happy to say I (and all my stuff) survived. Overall, it went very smoothly but every day was long and exhausting. I moved this time by myself. It was overwhelming.

Friday the movers arrived and took a LONG TIME loading and unloading my boxes and furniture. What seemed like an eternity later (with the clock running) all my worldly goods moved the few blocks to my town home. I was left with boxes, furniture and a mess now on two floors. The next 2 days I spent between both my old and new homes; cleaning, moving, painting and packing.
All that's left now is unpacking.

Can't say goodbye

2007-04-09T21:33:00.000-04:00

He's gone but I couldn't say goodbye. I didn't even want him to say, "take care of yourself". It all just seems to final. I can't deal with him leaving and being without him. I'll miss him too much....I need him too much. At the end of our last conversation tonight, (I promised him I wouldn't cry) I could hear the tears in his voice. My life is with him.

Emotions

2007-03-29T07:05:00.000-04:00

The last several days have been difficult.

He’s leaving very soon and we’re both just dealing with it all. We (of course) deal with him leaving in very different ways. I want to talk about it and share how I feel. I’m scared, nervous and worried; I don’t want him to leave. I want to hold him so close to me and never let him go. He doesn’t want to hear any of this (and I don’t tell him) and is already concentrating on his upcoming assignments. This is the behaviour for many soldiers before they leave. I understand, but it's still so difficult for those left behind. He tells me over and over again this (physical and emotional separation) is how they deal and not about me or personal.

The upcoming months are going to be very busy. I’m moving to a new townhouse (bigger and better for the baby) and that is going to require not only planning and packing but then decorating the new place. The biggest this is getting ready for HER! I'm excited and anxious to get the nursery ready and waiting. Hopefully, he’ll be in a place where he can share in the preparations.

The Reason

2007-03-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

He isn’t always the most romantic person. I don’t think he’s ever remembered Valentine’s Day and often asks what I’d like for Christmas. I’m not the greatest either when it comes to romance. I got him an electric blanket (he got me diamonds!) this year, he loves it and says it’s the greatest gift he’s ever gotten. It reflects the level of intimacy between us and the ease of our relationship. However, just a few weeks ago he totally floored me with romance.

We were doing some errands on Saturday and I was waiting in the SUV for him. He came up to my window and told me he loved me and kissed me. When he got back in the car and gave me a hand written CD to play, I was a little surprised.

"Put this in and play it", he said.
"What is it", I replied?
His response surprised me, "I made this for you and was going to give it to you when I left, but I couldn’t wait. Just play it and you’ll see why."

The music started to play Hoobastank’s "The Reason". I listened to the song and its lyrics and immediately started to cry. It was the most wonderful romantic gesture he’s given to me. These are the lyrics and even as I read them now, I could cry again. We have a past and to me, this shows a part of our history.

The Reason
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Again and again

2007-03-01T06:38:00.000-05:00

This is the 3rd time he’s left in almost just as many years. I’m having a really difficult emotional time though. He’s everything to me. I don’t want to talk about it, I’m scared, I’m angry; my feelings are all over the place. What’s the difference? I’m not quite sure why but it just hurts so much more, because he’s leaving. We think it’s because of the baby, because of “US”, and we're much more serious than any other time. There is a new (and good) level of dependency between us.
I couldn’t listen to an interview about Iraq today. It was NPR’s Fresh Air (usually I enjoy) speaking to Bob Woodruff about Iraq and his injuries. I respect his struggle and what he’s dealing with on a day to day basis, but I just can’t listen. Hearing the accounts of the tank, IED and injuries I want to cry and break down. It makes my blood run cold to imagine anything happening to TS. I know (deep down), I know he’s going to be fine. He tells me “I leave early, I get to come home early”. Our home, He hasn’t even left yet and I can’t wait for him to come home.

Again

2007-02-28T07:26:00.000-05:00

He's leaving again and it's far too soon. This time it's ten times more difficult. I'm so scared and every time I think about it I can feel the hot tears in my eyes. When I feel like this the only thing I want to do is go home. My hearts breaks again and again, my home is with him.

Red Friday

2007-02-19T18:23:00.000-05:00

I received this in an email today. I'll be wearing red this Friday.
Red Fridays. Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing. Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that....every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV, email -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is .."We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday.

The Pea Quilt

2007-02-04T15:52:00.000-05:00

TS loves peas. If he could only eat 1 meal for the rest of his life it would be pork chops and peas. He loves peas from a can, frozen peas, fresh peas and peas in a pod. Our favourite snacks are sweet peas or pea salad. He loves peas.
My friend Lynnie's sister in law made her a wonderful pea quilt to Christmas. When TS saw it later he loved it. Its warm and cozy and a tribute to his favourite food. I had her made another one for TS. His quilt is a little more black and darker, but it's perfect for him. It's his Valentine's Day gift and he's going to love it.
PS. That's Clemie testing it out.

Hard memories

2007-01-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

All too often it feels like she's been gone forever, and I feel so lost. On good days, I just remember the good times and smile to her. She's been gone almost a year. It’s hard for me to believe most of the time.
I remember it like it was yesterday (in my dreams it was yesterday), when I got the call from her doctor telling me the news. The news I had been expecting and dreading. She didn’t have much longer to live (they said 1 month at that time) and I needed to get there now. I called her immediately and asked what happened. She wasn't telling my brother and me everything, her health was much worse than either of us knew. The social worker had arrived at her house and was shocked at her condition. It was the beginning of the end.

The Road

2007-01-20T09:31:00.000-05:00

I spent a day last week travel the interstate to see a client. It's not a long drive, only a few hours. The road that I travel use to be the main north-south highway but has since been replaced with a toll road. While I was driving I couldn't help but notice the many road side attractions still in operation. I don't know really how they stay in business in the world of "mcFun" and "mouseland". They seem very old fashion and everytime I pass them I really want to stop. These are a few of my favorites.
The Cornwell Iron Furnace
Daniel Boone Birthplace
Roadside America, Miniture Village
The Pat Garrett Ampitheater

Warcraft

2007-01-12T07:16:00.000-05:00

I'm now a druid nightelf named ElfWings, on World of Warcraft. I just start so all I can pretty much do it walk/run around. Hopefully, I can figure this thing out this weekend.
You know where I'll be.

Yeah! iPhone!

2007-01-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

The iPhone is here! The iPhone is here! Well.....almost, it will be available in June. I'm very excitied! Why? I'm a bit of a gadget freak. I work with it at day and I love using and trying the latest and greatest. A two, it's a comibation of my favorite things my iPod and my cellphone.

Here's a look if you haven't seen it yet.

Hello Again

2007-01-06T10:21:00.000-05:00

Hello! I'm back and ready to go!
What? Where? How? Why? Where did I go and why, you ask?
I just took a little break. I reset and went back to zero, recharged my engines and passed go. However, I'm really good. I had a great holiday with TS and things are still wonderful with him. Sure, we still have our ups and downs but that's just part of life. We're happy and in love. "Sigh"
Welcome to 2007 and please say hi if you've dropped by.

Grown Up?

2006-11-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

Last week was my first Thanksgiving as a grown up. Yes, I've been an adult for many of them but this one was special. TS spent the long weekend with me and we had such a really good time. Thanksgiving Day was relaxing and we just enjoyed being together. It was great just being with him and I know how lucky I am. The previous years were spent with my family, feeling guilty for not being with my family, worring about my mother, or just feeling guilty. This year was different.
Yes, I missed my Mom something terrible and cried several times. I'd do and give anything to have 1 more day with her. Moving on and spending the day with MY family (TS and me) was exactly what I needed; I couldn't have asked for anything more.
What about Christmas? Well, I'm officialy not celebrating this year. I just don't have it in me. I just can't do it. Next year I'll be able to think good things about the holiday and not want to cry. I'm at peace with this decision and honestly think it will be good for me.

Thankful

2006-11-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

This year I have so much to be thankful for. Here are just a few from the top of my list.
My fabulous friends and family who support me no matter what.
The health, safety and stability in my life.
The ONEderful man in my life and his safe return from foreign lands. His love makes me whole and smile everyday.
The promise of tomorrow and excitement in the future.
Be Thankful and enjoy.

Goodbye Pink Razr....Hello White Samsung

2006-11-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've had a cell phone for years. I use it everyday and hardly ever turn it off. Yes, I'm one of those people. I know, I know it's really annoying and such bad manners. BCP (before cell phone) I would say, "Why would I need to have my phone with me all the time"? Now I've been totally converted and think "Why wouldn't I need to have my phone with me all the time"? It's full circle and I'm on the other side. Sure, I've made all the excuses and said it's for safety, business, emergencies, you know all the stories but honestly I just like talking.
Anyway, when the Pink Razr came out last year I love it and had to have it. I waited at my Cingular store and bought one (full price!). It was my favorite phone and even better it was pink. Well, it had a rough year and I've dropped it far too many times. The sound was getting really bad and people missed the whole first sentences of our conversations. I wanted to get a new pink razr but the store was out, so I had to buy something else. I'm trying to get use to the new white phone, but it's just not the same. I know it's just a phone but I really liked the slim pink razr. Will I look like a compete asshat if I return this phone and exchange it for a pink razr?

Vote Early and Vote Often

2006-11-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the day. Please remember to get out and vote! It only takes a few minutes to exercise and participate in the democratic process.
Pick your candidates, pick your issues and vote your conscience.
Vote!

Happy Birthday to You!

2006-11-03T08:42:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, my best friend. You are everything to me and I can't imagine life without you. I'm thankful and appreciate every single day I know you. I laugh more, smile more, think more and am a better person all because of you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you and I know this is going to be your best year yet.
I love you and have a great day.
Happy Birthday

Weekend Recap

2006-10-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

Once again, I find myself on the exit lane of another weekend. This one was filled with emotion, tenderness, drinks, and laughs. It was a good time even though it started on the wrong foot.
I'm not sure what really happened to me on Thursday and Friday nights. I became an emotional whirling dervish. I was upset, unhappy and went to bed early both nights. I yelled at the person closest to me for no real good reason. The good part is he is the closest person to me and forgives me for being a mess sometimes.
Saturday and Sunday however, went by too happily and quickly. I had fun and laughs with friends I haven't seen in too long. It was really really, a good time. Sunday was spent with friends how every Sunday should be spent, drinking and watching football. The night was a blur and Monday morning met me with a great case of the black tongue (too much red wine).
I've saved the best for last. The best part of my weekend, "You're the best things that's ever happened to me".
How great is that?

Wait 'til next year!

2006-10-28T08:06:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the great season Tigers!

So True

2006-10-24T06:18:00.000-04:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are Inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?"
Nelson Mandela
This quote was the discussion on my group last night. In thinking about my own fears it so much is true. It is the light, true, happy person inside myself struggling to be shown all the time. I'm getting there and this really made me think.

Feeling Sunday

2006-10-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

I always feel sad when he leaves on Sunday. The house is always so quiet and lonely without him. The first few hours are the worst. As soon as he's turned the corner and is out of my sight, it's all so different again. Please don't get me wrong (and I've promised myself not to be sad in front of him), I'm realistic he needs to get back to work and it only temporary but I miss him.
The first couple hours are just the worst. I walk around my house and everything now suddenly reminds me of him. I wash the dishes, clean up from the night before and start doing the laundry just to keep me busy until I can call and tell him I miss him. That time has already passed today and we're talking about next week now. The best part is that he's home.
Have a great day and Go Tigers!

Go Get 'Em Tigers!

2006-10-15T11:55:00.000-04:00

The Detroit Tigers are going to the World Series!
I grew up outside of Detroit and the Tigers have always been a constant in my life. The background of my childhood memories is Al Kaline and Tiger's baseball. The men in my family would listen to games on the radio while fixing the car, mowing the lawn, driving in the car or just sitting on the porch. It's all very familiar to me. While I'm not a huge fan, I couldn't been happier for my home town team.
Go Get 'Em Tigers!

Wings

2006-10-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo (I have four others). The image of wings keeps coming back to me and it's what I want next. These wings are very cool, but a little bigger (a lot bigger) than what I'm looking for, but I like the idea. I want something original, colorful and beautiful.

Rainbows and kittens

2006-10-07T15:46:00.000-04:00

He is home and I couldn't be happier. Sigh.....it's been a very good week.

All Tire No Jack

2006-10-02T16:56:00.000-04:00

I may be required to turn in my "independent Woman" card. Sunday morning I got in my car and started to drive and found I had a flat tire. Before you start asking the obvious questions; No, I didn't see it when I got in the car and Yes, I noticed as soon as I started driving. My friend was in the house so I told him my tire was flat and can I use your truck to get coffee (keeping my priorities intact). Later that day we walked outside so we (of course by we I mean him) could change the tire. Now, I must admit I've never changed a tire before it's just never come up in all my years of driving. I "assumed" I could do it and it wouldn't have any issues.
The car I'm driving now I've had for a little over a year. I never had the chance to check out the jack and tire iron in my truck, I just figured they were just fine and waiting for me. I was wrong. My friend opened the trunk and no jack and no tire iron but I did have a spare. We went through several questions of how, why, didn't you before he pulled the supplies from him truck. The tire was quickly changed and the lecture (very much deserved) of having the proper supplies in my truck. Yes, I know he's right.
First thing this morning I went to buy a new tire and new tire changing accessories.

Planning ahead

2006-09-28T22:35:00.000-04:00

I'm a planner. I plan for things, make lists, think about the future and double check my work. I don't like surprises. Wait, let me take that back. I do like surprises but I can't stand it (and can't wait) if I find out about them before they happen. If someone tells me they got me a present I ask over and over again what it is. I look for my Christmas gifts in hiding and shake the wrapped ones under the tree. I can't help it, I like to know what's going on and planning what I'm going to do next.
My friend has been planning on coming for a visit. Due to certain things beyond his control he couldn't tell me exactly when, but I had a pretty good idea and started planning accordingly. I was very surprised yesterday when he left me a message that he'd be here 2 days sooner than I planner. My lists! My plans! My carefully arranged schedule! Ok, I regrouped and started mentally rearranging my list of things to due. Crisis averted or so I thought.
I just got off the phone with him and (wonderful news)he'll be here very soon. Yeah! I'm so not ready but can't wait to see him. All my plans for organization are gone and my lists thrown away. The best laid plans of mice and men.

In The Closet

2006-09-23T18:32:00.000-04:00

I've reached the breaking point with my closet. The line in the sand, the point of no return, the maginot line and I can't go around it at all. I can not put another dress, sweater or black (don't get me started) shoe in there without severe consequences. I have to clean it. I have to throw (oh, the horror) away or donate and get rid of some of these clothes. There is no extra room! Conditions are so bad all I can do it stand at the edge and lean towards the clothing, and it's a walk in closet. I'd like to say, "Well, some of the clothes belong to TS. It's not just me" but that isn't true. It's all me and my stuff; there's no ignoring the problem anymore.
Today's the day and possibly into tomorrow too.

It's still dark!

2006-09-19T04:24:00.000-04:00

One of the things I don't like about the weather turning cooler is how dark it is in the morning. I'm up early this morning to go to Texas and it's crazy early. It's still dark outside! It's still night! It's too early!
I'll be home tomorrow.

Mark Your calendars

2006-09-16T10:32:00.000-04:00

Today I've reached a milestone. This morning (right now actually) I fit into my skinny inspiration dress. I've been trying on this dress for months and gauging my weight progress. That's what I do almost every Saturday morning, is try on my clothes. Silly, I know but it is much more of a motivation than jumping on the scale. I actually see (or don't) the progress I've made in the previous week. So, this morning I tried on the dress and it's perfect. I could wear it right now and it looks like a vision. (I'll put up a picture...The dress, not me). I've been "wearing" it for months and it was fine, if I didn't want to sit, breath and you like the painted on look. It's a different look today and I feel like wearing it all day long (yes, I still have it on).
Glorious Victory!!!

Never Forget

2006-09-11T20:20:00.000-04:00

Fabulous Friday

2006-09-08T07:19:00.000-04:00

I woke this morning to great news. There is something I've been looking for and it seems to be happening. I couldn't be happier. I know this all sounds a little cryptic but I'm just being cautious.
On other fronts my GERD is having a bad week. It's just feeling worse and worse everyday. I'm scheduled to have "tests" done next week but I'm not sure I can wait that long. The symptoms are worse and worse every night. I'm calling my doctor today and pleading with her to give me something to help. I'm down to about 3 foods (oatmeal, apple slices, and lunchmeat in a pita) I can eat. On a bright spot I'm losing lots of weight. Hey, you have to look at the bright side.

Prissy?

2006-09-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

Prissy = Excessively or affectedly prim and proper
A friend recently told me I was prissy and I took offense to label.
prissy? Prissy! Me?
I don't think so. I'm cool, hip and ahead of the curve. I'm cutting edge!
I mentioned it to another friend a few days later and she agreed with him.
"You don't think you're prissy?"
"No, not at all. I'm just well put together"
"Uh, huh and the monogrammed towels, perfect manicure and pedicure, wonderful wardrobe, not to mention the lingerie don't make you prissy?"
"No! I've always thought I'm classic and in good taste but not prissy"

We continued our discussion and my friend said he didn't think there was anything wrong with being prissy, but I'm still not convinced. I started thinking about it and what does it mean in my life. I don't think the common definition really suits me, but sometimes I do like prim and proper in my life.
Most of these are material things that a) I just like b) I was raised with certain manners from my Mother c) show I'm a total girlie girl. Ok, here's my list.
Monogrammed towels, sheets, napkins and note-cards
A selection of perfumes
Several complete china patterns
Stationary and note-cards for different occasions
Nailpolish for any situation
Coordination lingerie
Shoes, lots of shoes
Bath soaps, gels, lotions and moisturizers
and to top it all off my favorite color is pink

Hmmm....So, maybe I'm a little prissy but it's mixed with 4 tattoos, piercings, and a love of Korn and black (ok..it's Chanel) nail polish.

September 1st

2006-09-01T07:29:00.000-04:00

There is a feeling of fall in the air today.
The days are getting shorter and the air feels different than it did just 1 month ago. I'm sad to see the summer leave us, but I do look forward to this time of year. I enjoy (and have great memories) of fall leaves, football games, fresh apples and cider just to name a few. The upcoming season is full of plans, my hairstyles (darker I think) and trips too.
While I know it will still be warm for a little while longer, I'm already thinking about my fall clothes. For me, there is nothing like wearing warm sweaters and putting on my boots. I'm tired of all my summer clothes and they all seem a little "old". They are ready to be put away and rest until next year.
I'm sure my attitude will change in the upcoming weeks, maybe months and I'll mumble about missing warm weather and not looking forward to winter. That seems a long way off and today I'm wearing my new jeans.

2006-08-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

A Flock Of Seagulls: The Secret History

Here's a secret of mine. When I've had a bad day or feeling cranky, this always makes me laugh. This show was too funny; let's settle arguments by bowling.

Land of the Living

2006-08-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

Hello, I've rejoined the land of the living! Finally....I'm feeling better and like my old self again. I can honestly say I've never been this sick and hopefully never will be again. It's funny, the last week has been a real fog for me. I went to work (some of the time) and lived my life (sort of) but honestly I don't remember much of the details. The only upside of being this sick (if you can call it an upside) is that I've lost several pounds this week. I still think I'll stick to diet and exercise.
Thanks for all your good thoughts.

Update

2006-08-22T17:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here's my update and I'm not whining. My current temperature is 101 degrees and my throat is swollen and hurting. I've been taking antibiotics and Advil for the last several days and have shown no improvement. I called and left a message with the doctor and I'm waiting for her return call.

The sickness

2006-08-22T13:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. I mean I'm sick, really sick. It started on Friday night with a fever when I got home from work. Saturday and Sunday I went downhill fast and my throat and whole body hurt. My temperature reached it's max (while taking OTC pain medicine) of 102 on Saturday night. I went to the doctor Monday morning who gave me some medicine but I'm still feeling awful! I can't believe it because I've never been this sick and for so long.
I can't eat or drink much of anything because it's so painful. Gargling with warm salt water has become my new past time. I've become obsessed with my temperature (it's 99.5 now). My lymph node are painful and the size of golf balls. I don't know what to do!! If I'm not doing better tomorrow I'm heading back to the doctor, because this is just crazy. I don't want to sound too much like a baby, but I could just cry I feel so terrible.

Personal Shopping

2006-08-20T11:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a great shopping day. There were so many great sales and bargains in all my favorite stores. The prices were so good I was able to spurge a little on non sales items too. A great brown leather coat at j.jill and the perfect gray wrap dress at Banana Republic are totally worth the price. I literally shopped until I dropped (and spent all my money).
My current clothing situation is not the greatest. I have many many clothes, but if I want to wear clothing that fits me the choices aren't so great. I'm so happy the majority of my clothes are too big and I could fit a friend in my pants with me. My standard outfit has been skirts and a tank top with a cardigan for warmth (my office is chilly). Any attempt to wear pants just makes me laugh as I can pull them off easily without unbuttoning. It's often very funny!
Today, I'm cleaning my closet and getting rid of the old big clothing (and donating it of course). Tomorrow, I'll have new choices and you'll actually be able to see my arse.

TiVo, Jack Daniels and Tattoos

2006-08-18T12:43:00.000-04:00

I've spent the last week or so with my wonderful friend (TS) who's visiting from far far away. I'm always so happy to see him and this time was no exception. I had such a great time with him doing everything and doing nothing. Isn't it funny how that happens? The best plans fall apart and it doesn't matter because you're just having a good time.
I thought about that this morning as I walked around my home smiling and surveying the landscape. The kitchen sink is broken, bottles are everywhere, there are numerous spills on the floor, the laundry is overflowing and the "tattoo funk" fills the air but none of that matters. He flew away this morning and already I can not wait for him to come home again.
Pinkies Up, my friend.

The Road Not Taken, for my father

2006-08-06T10:02:00.000-04:00

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

This was my father's favorite poem. I'm remembering the good person he was today, and those memories make me smile. The smart, funny, caring, talkative personality and everyone's friend. He didn't take the road less traveled and he missed the best parts of all our lives. I love you Dad and miss you so much.

The heat, my hair and other things

2006-08-05T09:21:00.000-04:00

It's been oven hot here the last several days. I'm not sure how I lived before having central air. Don't get me wrong, I like summer and warm weather but this has been over the top. Those of us who have to work and be productive in this weather find it so tiring. I know, I know....I'm not a construction worker, fireman or lawn care professional and I don't have anything to complain about but it's still hot.
The heat brings me to my hair. I have lots of hair. It's fine, frizzy, full of body, curly, blonde, and there is lots of it. I'm not a fan of the curly and frizzy so I blow it straight and flat iron it everyday. It takes forever and (despite the air conditioning) makes me really hot. I hate this process but I love the results. Oh, how I suffer for my hair.
The summer heat wave causes me to throw all this aside and do nothing. I don't "do" my hair in the summer (unless I have an important meeting) and I LOVE it! I wash it, put in some gel and maybe later pull it back. It's easy, it's quick and (most importantly) keeps me cool. When I first started doing this a few people looked at me differently because this was such a change for me. Other started telling me how good the new "sexy, messy, tousled" hairstyle is, and I think that is a complement. All in all, I don't mind either comment (it is just hair after all) and it can't stay this hot forever.
I don't have much else going on this week. It is great to report I'm happy and life is going really good for me. I feel like I've reached a good point and am actually enjoying seeing the benefits of all my hard work. It actually snuck up on me, but I'm happy.
Funny, isn't it?

HOT!!

2006-07-31T20:02:00.000-04:00

Some of us just handle the heat better than others.

Subtle shades of blue

2006-07-26T07:15:00.000-04:00

My walls are still two different colors. Yep, two different shades of blue. I can't believe it and I'm not quite sure what my next step.
I went back to Lowe's and purchased another gallon of skywriter blue paint. I know this is the correct colour because sonic sky blue was so wrong. When I painted the walls it looked good but wasn't quite correct. Its close but close doesn't cut it when you're painting. Sure, I understand subtle variations in color due to hue, saturation, base coat, etc. This isn't a subtle variation it's a totally different colour! How can this be possible? What is going on with all there different variations of paint? Does anyone know?
I think my only option now is painting the original wall the new shade of skywriter blue. The original colour is still my favorite but it will drive me crazy having those walls different shades. It's a constant reminder of the inconsistencies in life. I'm going to try and fix it this weekend, keep your fingers crossed.

The Pain in Painting

2006-07-23T17:20:00.000-04:00

I've been doing some painting. I painted a wall in my bedroom a lovely shade of light blue. It was beautiful and peaceful in (what I thought) sonic sky blue. I know it was sonic sky, I liked the name and kept thinking about it as I painted. My original plan was just painting one "focus" wall. I liked it so much I decided to paint the joining wall too. I had enough paint left so I happily started painting. I finished one coat of the extra wall and ran out of paint. I cleaned up and threw away the empty paint can. This was last weekend.
I'm ready to finish my painting today. I still have the pant chip in my purse and know its the middle shade, sonic sky. When I started to paint it looked a little different, but I wasn't too worried. It wasn't until I met the joining wall I noticed how much different the paint is with two coats. My walls are two different colors! Two different colors!!!
Ok, before you start asking yourself, "Hello! Dumb arse, how can you not notice the difference??". Gentle reader, they are very subtle (but different)blues. The first paint appears to be skywriter (why would I buy that?) and the second paint is sonic sky (the middle chip...I know the paint guy said that). They are very very close in color, except when you're trying to get them to match. Uhh!! What to do, what to do? Two different colors!
I'm still hoping that I haven't made a horrible error and the paint just needs to dry. I'm not holding my breath, but you never know. Otherwise, I'm going back to Lowe's and buying more skywriter blue or paint supplies to continue painting sonic sky blue. I guess I'll just pick the color I like best. Two different colors!

News of the day

2006-07-21T08:12:00.000-04:00

Full Scale Invasion Imminent

How sad is this news in 2006? I don't want to choose political and socio-geographical sides, but this whole situation makes me so angry. How can we (the global community) allow this to happen? What about all the innocent people who are losing their lives? Where are the armies fighting for them? It's so very sad and the worse is yet to come.

Sounds of the Underground

2006-07-18T07:25:00.000-04:00

There are 3 words that best sum up my experience at Sounds of the Underground; Hot, crowded and amazing. I had such a good time and it was a super crazy experience that I'm so glad I had. The music was really great (and often too extreme for me) but it was live and had such power and feeling, I couldn't help but love it. The experience was totally new to me and I wasn't disappointed.

Wires, cables and coax oh my

2006-07-12T07:17:00.000-04:00

My new furniture was delivered yesterday and I really love it. It's a great fit for me and works well in my home. I found myself a wee bit overwhelmed looking at all the new/old furniture in my living room and dining room yesterday, but I sorted that out easily. When I was finished I felt quite fancy in the new digs. What I wasn't prepared for was connecting all my electronic equipment again.
Let me first say, Yes, I should have paid better attention when I disconnected the wires and cables. Maybe I could have marked then in bright colors with nailpolish (thanks for that suggestion John) or drawn a diagram? Sure, I could have (3 days ago) but that didn't help me at 8:05 when I got home and wanted to watch Big Brother 7 (and it was already unplugged). How hard is it to plug in a TV?
Ha! It's not just the TV, its the cable, TiVo, DVD recorder, Xbox and sound. They all fit and work together through a maze of coax, cat 5 and AV wires. It's impossible! I had manuals, flashlights, manufacturers' websites, countless call to unwilling participants, and half a bottle of wine to try and get this all to work. At one point in the evening I thought to myself, "This is great, I really wanted to cut down on my television watching anyway". I kept working and trying different combinations and finally my Tivo came to life with it's familiar jingle. I had done it and I'm never moving the TV or entertainment center again.

Picnic

2006-07-08T07:41:00.000-04:00

It's time for a picnic! No, I'm not talking about the 1955 Movie Picnic starting William Holden. Although it is a classic and I really do like it. The picnic I'm talking about is my work's annual picnic. The picnic is today. Great. Good times.
The picnic is great, if you have small children and a spouse to bring along with you. It's so much fun for kids and they can stay busy all day long. However, for the few non-married and child-free the day can be a little long. I'm helping to set up this morning in hopes that will allow me to leave on the early side of the day. It's a great plan. I help get things going, say hello to management, have a beer and brat and be on my way.

July 4th

2006-07-04T10:14:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th of July (or belated Canada Day)!
I hope everyone has a great day and enjoys the fun, BBQ, and fireworks. Please, remember all the service members who fought and are still fighting for our freedom. Freedom began with the War for independence but it still continues in Iraq and Afghanistan. They sacrifice everyday so we can live in peace. If you see a veteran or service member today, just say thank you.

My own TS - stay safe, I miss you and come home soon.

Decoration

2006-07-03T21:35:00.000-04:00

I'm redecorating my home. Correction, I'm decorating it for the first time. I've always lived with 1 (my sofa) newish pieces and other various bargain or hand me down items. Not too long ago I started with new bedroom furniture and now I'm moving on to bigger and better things.
This past weekend I purchased new living room furniture. I went in for an entertainment center (wow, that sounds so old of me) and came out with that plus a new sofa, love seat, chair, ottoman and 2 lamps! It's crazy but it was such a deal I couldn't resist. The craziness continued when I decided to paint my living room a beautiful shade of blue. The blue coordinates with a subtle pattern in the sofa. While right now I'm questioning the color and placement choice of the (now huge) blue wall, but I'm hopeful when all the furniture arrives it will come together. If I just had to sit and look at the wall, I know I couldn't take it. It's so overwhelming. It's so blue!

Higher Ground

2006-06-28T22:03:00.000-04:00

I live in the very soggy Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. It has been raining here almost nonstop since Saturday afternoon. Today, we had some good news and lots of bad news.

Good news
The rain stopped today.

Bad News
It's supposed to rain again tomorrow.
We don't have any drinking water. All tap water has to be boiled for several minutes in order to drink it (yuck). I've purchased quite a bit to get me though. It could be next week before it's normal.
The rivers are continuing to rise and won't crest at least until tomorrow, maybe Friday. I live on high ground, but many of my friends aren't so lucky and have to evacuated. They are taking as much as they can to save from their homes.
I can't get to work because of the flooding, so I'm working from home. (ok, that might be good news).
There is a very strong chance we'll lose power as the flooding continues. Fun times.

Please think good dry thoughts for all of us in the northeast. Hopefully, we've seen the worst of this weather and the damage will be minimal.

Find Better Days

2006-06-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm generally a happy person. My life is good and I consider myself lucky for everything I have. Today though, I'm just feeling sad and sorry for myself. I miss my mother and feel so alone. It's been 4 months since her death and there isn't a day that goes by I don't miss her. It's worse today and it seems like she's been gone forever. All I can remember (or what's the most in my brainpan) is the last horrible days. I see how she was and the pain is as fresh as ever.
I'm trying to focus the good time and think of her when she was heathy. The questions are quing over and over; why did this happen? Why didn't her doctor do more? Why didn't she get diagnosed earlier? Why didn't I do more? It hurts and it haunts me because there are no answers to my questions.
I know the day will come and I'll be able to talk about her without crying. The boxes of her possessions will become part of my home. The pain of her loss won't keep me up at night. It just takes time and I'm not there yet. I still miss her so much.

I won't ask and would never tell

2006-06-20T18:37:00.000-04:00

I recently found out a very good friend of mine is gay. Or that he might be gay, or bi, or thinks he might be gay. I don't really know because it is all 2nd hand information. We are really good friends and have often talked openly about homosexuality and he has always denied it. We speak everyday and share our lives (he was one of the first people who called when my mother died) feelings. That is the confusing part, I'm open and accepting and he's never told me.
I've made the decision not to tell him what I've heard. It's not my business and if he doesn't feel comfortable telling me about this part of his life I understand. I'm sad about this though, and I'm feeling so bad for my friend. How terrible must it be for him? How difficult is it to keep who you are as a secret?
I so want to tell him, "I know and it doesn't matter to me". I just don't feel like that it the right thing to do. There is the possibility my information is wrong. My gut is telling me to leave it alone. What do you think?

Detox

2006-06-17T07:06:00.000-04:00

I've been entertaining my "clients" for the past several days. Everyday just seems a little bit more than the rest. Oh boy, I'm going to need some serious home detoxing time now and try to recover.
I've had some very recent good news and inside (and out) I'm all smiles.

A Poem, Fool's Game

2006-06-13T22:25:00.000-04:00

Interesting words came into play today. We discuss, I listen, we all learn.....that's the best part of readings. This is from today's work.

Fool's Game
I play the fool this time
Today's betrayal is far too cruel
Blind eyes hoping for what will not be
A broken heart knowing it never was

Vile taste as sickness washes over me
Chills rise up my spine
Hot burn of tears I can't keep inside
Crying all night long

Deception is a pain of the evilest cut
Blood flows from deeps wounds that will not heal
Nothing is what is seems
Death would be more welcoming

Hurting for past sins with my suffering as a goal
Over and over it happens
Worse and worse it becomes
I know the truth and the game is over

True Confessions

2006-06-12T20:39:00.000-04:00

Truth time.
I have a confession to make and I'm not very proud of it. Are you ready? Here it goes.
I'm a call screener.
I screen my calls after 5pm (and often during the weekend). I very rarely answer my phone at night. I listen to the messages people leave me and call them back the next day. I'm awful, terrible and do it all the time. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't like talking on the phone.
I'll explain.
I work in sales. I work in sales on the phone. I spend my WHOLE day talking, selling, laughing, being funny and charming on the phone. I'm wonderful at it and my "clients" love me. There are headsets, multiple lines, hold buttons and que music involved. Its all very complex.
However, The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk more on the phone. Somedays (like today), I've spend all day in the office and feel attached to my phone. Yuck!
The family and friends are very annoyed when I screen them at night. They leave long extended messages and sometimes I'm forced to pick-up. Guilt comes at me like a speeding train and (of course) I'm happy to talk once I've started. Some calls I can never get enough of and (if it's possible) wish for more of them.
I tell my family, "Don't take it personally, I'll try to do better". I also suggest they call me between the hours of 7am and 5pm (on my celly) and hit me during my peak hours.

Small step back

2006-06-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

I had a really bad day Wednesday and actually went back to my old behavior. I don't know why I was just feeling really bad/insecure/angry/let down/frustrated/sad and I'm not quite sure why. I...I don't know...But I b/p and it was really upsetting. The only way I can explain why is, the feeling of totally being stuffed (and then removing it all) becomes better than any pain you are feeling. It's sick and wrong (typing it is really difficult too) but it's the truth.
However, the good part is I see it, I see it and I know it's wrong, when it happened I called my support people and a friend came over. I went to a meeting last night and talked about why and what is my trigger. I'm so proud of myself and the progress I've made so far, I'M NOT GOING BACK. I'm so moving forward from Wednesday (and the years of suffering) and not going to beat myself over a step back. I just can't, and I know I'm going to be ok...I'm going to be better than ok.
One day at a time.

6-6-6

2006-06-06T07:27:00.000-04:00

June 6, 2006

Oooohhh, scary!

Jake the Cupcake

2006-06-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

My cat Jake (aka Cuppie) left me today. He was actually my Mother's cat but came to live with me when she died. He was 19 years old and LOVED my Mother. He was heartbroken and spent several days in my bathroom when he first came to live with me. He eventually warmed up to me but it was never the same as Mom. The past several days he was struggling and today he left me. Exactly 4 months later he's gone to be with my Mom, the love of his life. I know it sounds a little silly but he loved her; when my Mother was very sick he never left her bedside, followed her around and she was so worried about him everytime she was in the hospital.
I told him over and over again today, "You can go be with Mom now and She's going to take care of again".
I'll miss you Jake the Cupcake, Cuppie, Jakey, Cuperdoodles, Cuppiepie.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2006-06-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

What does The Happiest Place on Earth and a dry technology conference have in common?
Me, of course! That's where I'm spending this week and working v v hard. It's been a fun week and I've easily been (a little) out of control a few times. I've had a few new experiences and been laughing about them ever since.
Tomorrow I'm heading back home and will be staying there for the next several weeks. I'm actually looking forward to my grounding. I'll be seeing you back in the real world.

Wedding Hair

2006-05-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I went to my cousin's wedding. This lovely event required me to have a special hair style and spend hours in the beauty salon Saturday morning. Why does it take so long? I know, I have lots of think semi-long hair and requires extra time and a spare pair of hands. It took so very long and I just can't sit still that long, but for my lovely cousin, I did. When I took my hair out Sunday morning, I counted 36 bobby pins!
36!
It goes against the laws of physics!

Happy Memorial Day! Thank you to all the service members for everything you do and the sacrifices you make for our country.
TS, I love you. Please stay safe and come home soon.

Family

2006-05-28T20:16:00.000-04:00

I spent the last 2 days at a family wedding. The wedding its self was fine. The bride (my cousin Lindsay) and the ceremony were beautiful. The time with my family was very emotional. This weekend was the first time I spent with them since my mom died. Many of them I haven't seen in quite awhile, so they were looking for details and help understanding my parents life.
We just talk about my parents with the family (this is my father's side), how everything happened, why it happened, and what we felt. It's difficult for me talking about my mom. I love her and miss her everyday, but I've made peace with most of my feelings of anger and disappointment in the way she lived and died. Most of the time it felt good, but there were many times my family just couldn't understand what we've been through. We all sat up drinking, talking and crying Friday night and I was able to admit and talk about my feelings for my family. It was a good time but also very sad.

My own bed

2006-05-26T05:51:00.000-04:00

I'm home and slept last night in my own bed. I guess I need to rephrase that, I tried to sleep in my own bed last night. My internal body clock has no idea what time it is or when I should sleep. I was up a good part of last night and early this morning. The oddest part of it is I'm not really tired. The last time I slept, and I mean really slept all night was on Tuesday night. Isn't that odd? I think so. I know it's going to catch up with me sooner or later (hopefully this weekend), but as of now I'm just fine.

I'm having some Flickr issues, so here are my Hawaii photos.

The view from the beach

2006-05-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

This is the world to me from my beach mat......

Slow down and relax

2006-05-23T00:28:00.000-04:00

What can I say about my vacation in a short post? I can't tell you everything but.....The most important thing is I'm having such a great time. The weather is beautiful, the water is clear blue and warm and I'm just doing everything I've always wanted to do.
Surfing
snorkeling
sunning on the beach
visiting Pearl Harbor
eating sushi (ok, that's not new but I've been doing it everyday)
and just relaxing.....It's so great!

A few more days and it's back to reality but for now....I'm just sitting on the beach.

Mahalo

Hawaii

2006-05-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

Sing it!

2006-05-16T19:54:00.000-04:00

V-A-C-A-TION

Vacation....Yes that's right. I'm going on vacation in 2 days!!
I'm so excited I could just burst. Tomorrow is my last day of work and I'm sure it will be very productive (hahaha). The thought of 1 week laying on beaches of Hawaii filling my head all day long. The mental list of everything I need/want to get done. There is no way I'll be working hard tomorrow.

1 Week!!

2006-05-12T17:48:00.000-04:00

It's 1 week....7 short days until my vacation in HAWAII! I'm so excited I can hardly wait. Let the count down begin.
Aloha

All Messed Up

2006-05-11T21:38:00.000-04:00

Here I am tonight and I'm All Messed Up...

I hope I never wake up
I dream about you all the time now
And I don't wanna face
Another night without you here
Someday, someway, somehow
We will be together again
You know I've always wanted
Just to feel the touch of your love
You know I've always hated
Knowing how far apart we are
Someday, someway, somehow
We will be together again
I just want you to know

Baby I'm all messed up in you
You're far away
But you're here with me
Baby I'm all messed up in you
You're all I need
My everything
Every night i wake up
Hoping that I'll find you here and
There's not a day that goes by
I don't think about your smile
Someday, someway, somehow
We will be together again
I just want you to know

And I know that we will find a way
To be together someday
And I promise you that I won't leave
I'll be here forever

I want you I need you
I'm lost here without you
I'm all messed up in you
I hope i never wake up
I dream about you all the time now.

Spoons and applesauce

2006-05-11T20:23:00.000-04:00

I fly for business on a regular basis, because of that I'm on a plane at least once a week. As a frequent flier, I know all the tricks for a smoother comfortable trip. I bring my own book, small snack, bottle of water and I know my roll-aboard bag fits in the overhead compartment. I try to be considerate to those people who might not know what to do and guide them in the right direction (put your bag in wheels first).
I had settled into my exit row seat Tuesday and started reading my book. An average family started to fill into the row behind me. It was obvious they don't travel often and there was quite a bit of fussing around. When they finally got settled a cooler FULL of food was opened. Everyone was issued juice boxes and sandwiches along with individual cookie. The fun ended quickly and the call button for the flight attendant started ringing about half way into the flight. I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the question.

"I don't know what we're going to do. We forgot spoons for our applesauce!"

It seems like we're all not as prepared as we thought we were.

The Left Coast

2006-05-07T20:31:00.000-04:00

I'm giving serious thought of moving to California. The last several months (almost a year) have been so difficult and I think a change would do me good. The last few days I've really been thinking about life and how I can be happy. The past has been filled with doing what has been the "best" or what others expected me to do. It's time I start living for myself and making myself happy. A fresh start might be just what I need.
I've always wanted to live in California and there is nothing keeping me from doing it now. Financially, it's absolutely possible.
I would have to find a new job, but I know I can do that.
I rent and could find a new home on the other coast.
I'll miss my friends, but they will support me and want me to be happy.
What am I waiting for?

A little break

2006-05-05T18:57:00.000-04:00

I had a little time yesterday to stop and smell the flowers. During all my travels in the area (and it's been quite a few), I've never stopped at Monticello. Monticello is the home of Thomas Jefferson in Virginia. It was a beautiful spring day and I had the time so I pulled off at the exit. The flowers and the gardens are so lovely and it was so relaxing. It was a needed break during my busy day.
Plus.....I have very exciting news too!
I'm going to Hawaii in 2 weeks! I'm taking a well needed vacation and spending almost a full week on the beach. I don't remember the last real vacation I've had.
Let the countdown begin!
14 days!

On the "team"

2006-05-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

The 9 to 5 routine is really not going well. I was "re-org'd" about 6 months ago and it's just so frustrating. I've lost a part of my income, work for a really smart boss, been accused of not doing my job and not being a team player.
I work hard and do a good job for my customers. They LOVE me and we have a great relationship. Their business is the best its ever been, but yet I'm told "You're mismanaging these accounts". Can you figure it out? I sure can't. I try (and keep trying) to do the right thing but it just keeps coming back to hurt me.

It was the best of times!

2006-05-01T19:33:00.000-04:00

Wow, I did survive my extended birthday weekend. It was crazy busy and filled with friends, many drinks, great food and super parties. This weekend was everything I needed it to be and so much more. I really have some wonderful friends (only a couple asshats...hehehe). I'll try to give a brief recap of the events.
Saturday morning, all the girls and I (there was about 10 of us) had a wonderful brunch and did a little shopping trying to recover from the night before. The later afternoon was spent watching TiVo and doing fingernails and toes. We joined the rest of "the gang" at another friends for the party Saturday night and totally let loose.
I'm not sure about all the exact details and some are far too embarrassing to discuss here, but a good time was had by all. We danced, sang, eat and drank until the wee hours of the morning. My wonderful friend Dana (and her husband Mark) took perfect care of everything and I couldn't have had a better time. Thanks D!
When Sunday afternoon rolled around all the goodbye's were very bittersweet. I can't thank my friends enough for spending this time with me. My birthday was difficult without my Mother, but they made sure I was happy.
The cherry on top of my weekend Sunday was the late night call from TS. It was so great hearing his voice again. We talked for a little bit and then he had to run.
He made me smile.

Birthday!

2006-04-29T10:43:00.000-04:00

It's my Birthday!

Today is the day, and my party is tonight!

All my best friends are here (except one), they have traveled from near and far to spend this weekend with me. I couldn't be luckier! We had a great girls night last night and this morning we're slowly coming to life. There's is a semi-orderly system for everyone to get ready for brunch. Hahaha!!
It's going to be another great day and I wish the same for you.

The next day

2006-04-27T05:59:00.000-04:00

The next day
Originally uploaded by ClemieWynn.

I've had a really long night and this is what I woke up to this morning. My shoes, purse and a full bottle of Jack Daniels on my bed! I insisted we stop and I bought that bottle, I had one drink and that was it. Once I was home I crawled right into bed.
We had a GREAT time last night, and while I'm hurting now (and off to NYC today), I can't wait to do it again!

Start lighting the candles

2006-04-26T07:05:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm starting to celebrate my birthday! My actual birthday isn't for a few more days, but I've got dinners and parties on the next several nights. Yeah! How much fun is this going to be?
It's girls night tonight downtown and we're starting with cocktails in a very cool bar. These ladies are coming from all over (and hired all the baby sitters) so we can celebrate. I'm so very grateful to have these friends and couldn't be looking more forward to the fun.

To sleep, perchance to dream

2006-04-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

I'm fighting a losing war with sleep, or maybe I'm winning the war? Either way, I'm not sleeping at night. I've spent the past week or so tossing and turning in my bed (and hotel beds), because I can't fall asleep. There is no reason for this new insomnia; there is no crying baby in my home, I don't exercise too late in the evening, I'm not adjusting from daylights saying time and I'm not drinking cups of coca-cola at 7:30 at night. I don't understand it either. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but then I get there and I'm WIDE awake. I count the hours before I need to wake up. Thinking, if I went to sleep right this second how will I feel with 4 hours of sleep? I count backwards from 100 over and over again. I talk, yes, I talk to people; mostly I talk to The Soldier and to my Mother. Its weird I know, but it passes the time.
I'd love to go to bed now (I'm tired enough), but I'm afraid if I do I'll wake up at 1 am and think it's time to get up. My body is just that crazy and it's only 8:30 at night. It's hardly dark outside! I'm going to try and stay up a little longer and get really tired.
Its stress related (my therapists words today) and I need to relax and try to meditate before I go to sleep. My mind needs to be clear and not worrying about the day's events. This is going to be my plan tonight.

The Great Unknown

2006-04-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

I made a move yesterday closer to the adult world and purchased furniture. This is a major (in my world) event and a signal of leaving carefree living behind. This is my first major purchase of furniture that doesn't come in a box and need to be assembled! I've also now moved past a point where I can move myself.
Last year after a very bad time in Virginia, I quickly (and mostly by myself) moved back to Pa. All I needed was my SUV and a small trailer. The most valuable possessions were all able to fit easily. There wasn't much (furniture) that I hadn't bought at garage sales, got as a hand me down, or built from many parts. Also, I never really recovered from a flood in my previous apartment. I was a very bad time in my life. So much has changed since then and I'm in such a better place now. I'm moving forward plus I'm celebrating my birthday.
A new dresser, chest of drawers, bed and side table will be deliver to my home in the next 7 days. I'm really excited and I've already purchased new lamps and lovely pillows for my bed. Vanity? Maybe....But I think it's ok to do a little something for myself.

Yawn!!

2006-04-20T07:10:00.000-04:00

I made it home late last night from a very long day in Nebraska. This was my last trip for the next couple weeks and I'm a little bit more than happy. It's been difficult finding my "center" for the past few months being on the road so much. Mind you, I'm not complaining.....I realize how lucky I am to have a good job and relatively few worries.
Today I'm have a talk with my boss. I'm a little bit nervous about this, but I have all my facts straight and know I've done nothing wrong.
Fingers crossed and wish me luck!

Off and On

2006-04-18T09:41:00.000-04:00

I got the pink cast off yesterday!
Then I got a new and smaller white cast as a replacement. It's good news because now I have more movement in my arm (my elbow is now free) and can do so much more. I need to wear this little cast for a few more weeks while my ulna continues to heal. I'm disappointed because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday (and go to my birthday party) wearing this cast. There is still hope, however, I could get it off at the end of next week. Keep your fingers crossed!
In other news, I'm heading to Nebraska today. I've never been there before so, it should be interesting. I used some of my "miles" for this trip, so I'll be enjoying first class.
Good times, good times.

Sunshine Sunday

2006-04-16T16:58:00.000-04:00

I didn't really want to do all the regular "Easter" stuff today.
First of all I'm not religious in the conventional way and second it's the first holiday without my mother. I wanted to just enjoy the day and think about her in my own way.
I spent the morning at the Philadelphia museum of Art and saw the Andrew Wyeth Exhibit. It was so beautiful and I love his work. It was calming and almost reflective as I walked thorough the galleries. There are moving, tranquil and narrative peaces of work that show so many emotions. My Mother would have loved it and that gave me comfort today. It is a beautiful day here and it's been very nice and relaxing.

Wait for Us

2006-04-15T11:12:00.000-04:00

This poem captures my feeling, memories and emotions of that day. It gives me such visual reminders. I counted her breaths and knew when the end had come.

Wait for Us

The deathbed set
One thousand lives congregate
Waiting
Another joins tonight

Shallow breaths
Draw far apart
A growing shadow
darkness creeps

Confessions gave with promises
Forgiveness
Tears of loss
Years of pain

Her soul moves away